Keeping the protection of children at the forefront during divorce is so essential, as numerous studies have shown that children of divorce are more susceptible to developing depression, anxiety, substance abuse, physical symptoms and behavioral issues. Susceptibility does not mean whatsoever that such issues for children are inevitable. It just means that it is especially important for parents to focus on the emotional and psychological needs of the children during and after divorce.

Taking the appropriate steps to focus on those emotional and psychological needs of the children has been shown to be very transformative and beneficial for helping children cope and build resilience and in achieving a reduction or elimination of any long standing impact of divorce. While parents will not be able to shield their children from all difficulties, many steps can be taken to ensure the best outcome possible as family bonds are being reconfigured.

Protect Children From Conflict

It is well established in psychological research and longitudinal studies that parental conflict is one of the most damaging aspects of divorce for children. Keeping this in mind, it is so important to avoid arguments in front of your children or to make negative remarks about the other parent. Studies have also made clear that children having a meaningful involvement with both parents, who are healthy and loving to the children and having parents who are cooperatively co-parenting is associated with best outcomes for children during and after divorce. Avoid having the children become messengers between you and their other parent or exposed to too much information related to legal or other adult issues.

Protect Children by Maintaining Routine and Stability

Predictability can provide children with comfort during times of uncertainty. If possible, it is beneficial to preserve routines related to school, extracurricular activities, mealtimes and bedtimes. Predictable parenting plans can be very helpful for children to manage expectations. For holidays, if the children have become accustomed to a particular holiday spent with certain beloved relatives try to maintain that consistency and joy for the children while also being mindful of the other parent’s need to have quality holiday time with the children. Work cooperatively with your co-parent with the best interests of your children at the forefront so that the children have cherished time with both parents and also with extended family.

Protect Children by Fostering Open and Honest Communication

Children need honest, age-appropriate explanations about the changes occurring in the family. Reassurance should always be offered that they are not responsible in any way for the divorce and that both parents will continue to love and support them.

Encouraging children to talk about their feelings is also very helpful. As a parent it is best to be respectful, non-judgmental and accepting about their feelings, providing validation for what they may express, even if it is difficult to hear. Continue to provide reassurance to your children of your love for them.

Protect Children in Choice of Process for Separation or Divorce

The choice of process for separating or divorcing is an important factor in protecting the children and prioritizing their needs. In both the Collaborative Divorce model and in mediation parents will not be resolving their differences in a process that often offers high conflict or in front of a judge or court magistrate. In mediation parents are working together with a supportive neutral to help make decisions. Collaborative Divorce is another non-adversarial process in which each spouse retains a specially trained attorney and also works with a team of neutrals, including mental health professionals and financial experts. Sessions will be held in a private environment with professionals who seek to help foster calm and reduce trauma or conflict. Particularly in the Collaborative Divorce model, with the assistance of a Family Support Specialist (“FSS”) or Child Specialist (“CS”), a good foundation can be established for future co-parenting as the FSS or CS supports parents in transitioning to new co-parenting roles and in making decisions on parenting plans, legal and residential custody and other issues involving the children. This process fosters child centered communication and customized solutions for your particular family and models respectful communication that you can carry with you for many years after the divorce.

Protect Children by Being a Cooperative Co-Parent

Children benefit from having a strong and healthy relationship with both parents, except of course in situations where there are safety or other concerns with one parent. Despite how one might feel about the other parent as a spouse or partner, focusing on the benefit to the children of having a strong and positive relationship with the other parent helps to reinforce a sense of love and belonging for the children during a time which can feel insecure.

Offer flexibility to the other parent when you can and work on communicating with the other parent calmly and respectfully. It can be extremely helpful to have communication on child related issues via regularly scheduled communication with your co-parent and by utilizing shared calendars and/ or co-parenting apps. Working with a family therapist or parenting coordinator can also be very helpful. Cooperative co-parenting is associated with better outcomes, particularly for self -esteem and academic performance.

Protect Children by Providing Additional Sources of Support

As the saying goes “it takes a village”. Consider utilizing counselors, therapists and other child specialists to provide valuable support for the children. Let your children’s teachers and guidance counselors know what changes are transpiring in the family and seek their support. Many schools have Banana Splits programs, especially for younger children and guidance counselors, school psychologists or social workers for older children. Professionals can help the children process their emotions and the changes occurring in their lives and they can also offer support to you as a parent trying to manage so much at once.

Protect Children by also Taking Care of Yourself

Getting support for yourself from friends, family, therapists, divorce coaches or support groups, for example, is a needed investment in your ability to care for your children. Engage in stress reducing activities and maintain a healthy lifestyle with proper nutrition and exercise. Seeing you making sure you are prioritizing your mental and physical health during this difficult period can be an excellent model for your children to learn coping skills and how to be resilient.

Divorce is an undeniably challenging time but certainly does not need to compromise a child’s long term well-being. As this article has highlighted, protecting your children during and after divorce from high conflict; supporting stability; fostering open and honest communication; being a cooperative and respectful co-parent; finding resources for yourself and your children and making a careful choice of process for separation and divorce can offer immeasurable protection for your child now and for their emotional and psychological health in the future.

One of the most important goals of the Collaborative Divorce model and the mediation model is to help parents co-parent in the best interests of their children and to help them make decisions themselves after careful discussion of numerous issues of importance to them. Parents learn to respect each other as individuals and to attain and maintain the ability to communicate effectively with the mutual goal of providing a safe and nurturing environment for their children. With Collaborative Divorce, parents who have been helped to do so through the support of the members of the Collaborative Team, whether their respective attorneys, Family Support Specialist or Financial Neutral are in a much better position to weather both routine and more unexpected situations that arise in their daily lives. In a mediation process, parents are encouraged to discuss in a calm and supportive environment what they each feel is best for the children and to consider each other’s perspectives. 

The unexpected and sudden current Covid-19 crisis has upended the day to day lives of most families, especially those going through divorce or separation. Children are no longer attending day care or school out of the home; babysitters are often not available; either or both parents may now be working from their respective homes, or are still working as an essential worker who may be at risk for infection or suddenly have a new schedule; either or both parents may have a reduced income or no income due to a layoff related to the economic consequences of the pandemic or the closure of a business. How parents deal with any of these factors can have enormous, potentially lifelong, emotional consequences for the children and also for themselves. 

Unfortunately, recent stories are emerging of parents who likely have not been involved in a collaborative process who are refusing to allow the other parent to have parenting time with the children due to the pandemic even when the other parent has isolated at home and has observed all recommended health and safety protocols. It has been our experience that unlike those situations, parents who accomplished their separation or divorce through the Collaborative Model or the mediation process have been able to quickly adjust parenting time and schedules to account for the changes that have recently occurred related to Covid-19. These parents are also able to discuss effectively new issues that have arisen involving how to “be on the same page” about such topics as social distancing rules; social media guidelines for their children; flexible day to day parenting schedules; use of technology for connectivity and support; calming children’s fears; seeking medical or psychological support when needed; adjusting financial support issues and so on to accommodate the crisis. Parents also have the ability to look to their Collaborative team for support during this time, working together to effectively problem solve and not to heighten tensions, but rather to calm them. Virtual sessions can be scheduled to discuss the new issues and any conflicts can be resolved quickly outside of the court system. At a time when the court system is not readily available, the Collaborative Model and the mediation process, which are premised on avoiding the court process, are especially designed to handle all of the important needs that must be met and decisions that need to be made in a quick time frame. 

Numerous studies show that how parents who separate or divorce behave toward one another and interact with respect to the children who they love will have an enormous impact on how the children grow and develop. Handling divorce during covid and the current economic crisis is even more challenging, which is why the choice of a collaborative process, whether collaborative divorce or divorce mediation for those in need is now, more than ever, one of the most important choices a family can make.  

Here’s one article we believe is extremely relevant at these trying times:

https://www.licdp.com/post/divorce-during-covid-19-why-the-collaborative-model-makes-sense

There are three options to consider: litigation, collaborative divorce or mediation.  If you have already done your research and decided that the mediation or collaborative divorce process is the best way for you and your spouse to negotiate your divorce or separation, you must next persuade your spouse to engage in either process. 

Let’s review each option to determine why collaborative divorce or mediation would be the most beneficial.     

Litigation

In contrast to the collaborative or mediation models, litigation is an adversarial process, designed to have winners and losers at the conclusion. Both parties are represented by an attorney who will advocate their client’s position with the potential threat of a trial. Litigation is the most expensive option, will take the longest to resolve and is the most emotionally draining on both parties. And there are no guarantees at the end of the day what the judge will decide.

Collaborative Divorce Process

The collaborative process still has each party represented by an attorney; however, the key difference is that the attorneys are committed to obtaining a fair settlement for both of you to avoid a trial. Underpinning this commitment, the attorneys sign an agreement that they will not represent you in court if a settlement is not achieved. To assist you and the attorneys, and if your particular situation so requires, neutral unbiased financial experts and/or family support specialists trained in the collaborative process, will be retained by both of you to help navigate financial and family issues. The collaborative process will generally be less expensive, quicker and will result in an agreement tailored to your needs through the assistance of your collaborative team. 

Mediation

In mediation, the parties negotiate with each other with the guidance of a neutral mediator. Divorce mediation is beneficial in a number of ways. Mediation is the least expensive option and is a good choice if each spouse is comfortable advocating for themselves. If the mediators are also lawyers, they will write the agreement and prepare and file your divorce papers. As with collaborative divorce, clients can hire financial experts to assist them. Mediation does not require the parties to go to court.  

Getting your spouse to agree to the Mediation or Collaborative divorce process

 To help convince your spouse, it’s important to stress how the collaborative or divorce mediation process would benefit each of you. Do this by following the following suggestions: 

1. Be prepared to highlight how the collaborative or mediation model works and provide your spouse with helpful websites such as www.licdp.com or www.nysmediate.org     
2. Provide your spouse with articles explaining the process and benefits; 
3. Speak with your spouse at a less stressful time of day when there is a better chance of having a fruitful discussion;
4.  Send a text or email if you and your spouse have difficulty communicating face to face;
5.  Ask a family member whom your spouse trusts to discuss the collaborative or mediation option with them.
6.  Don’t force the issue. Give your spouse the time to consider whichever process you have recommended. 
7. Speak with a collaborative attorney or Long Island divorce mediator that you wish to hire. They can reach out to your spouse to explain the collaborative or mediation process and answer any questions your spouse may have, or alternatively, provide them with the aforementioned websites so that your spouse can set up a separate consultation.   

To obtain more information and a list of collaboratively trained lawyers, financial experts and family support specialists, please visit www.licdp.com. Each member will be happy to answer any additional questions or concerns you may have. 

Lastly, we at the New York Divorce Mediation Group will be happy to discuss these options with you as well. Just call us or email to set a time.