At some point in the mediation or collaborative process, spouses need to make a decision as to whether they wish to separate or divorce. They will choose between entering into a Separation Agreement and converting it to a divorce sometime in the future or entering into what is called a Stipulation of Settlement Agreement if they opt to divorce now.

1. Separation Agreement vs. Stipulation of Settlement Agreement

The content of both agreements is substantively the same.  Each agreement deals with the equitable distribution of assets acquired during the marriage, such as bank accounts, property, and retirement plans.  If there are children involved, everything from child support to the parenting schedule and college are addressed in each agreement.  Spousal support, which is referred to as Maintenance in New York will also be addressed in the Agreement.  These matters are settled in both types agreements.

2. Reasons to Enter Into a Separation Agreement

A. Delay Divorce Until Both Parties Are Emotionally or Financially Ready to Pursue Divorce

In a Separation Agreement, the spouses have settled their financial, support and other issues, but still may not be ready to file for divorce immediately.  If there is a possibility that they will reconcile, they can rescind the Separation Agreement at any time.   Perhaps the couple may be continuing to work on the marriage with counselling or other supports.  Further, The cost of filing for divorce is an additional cost to the drafting  of the Separation Agreement. The spouses may want to delay paying for the court fees and the preparation of the divorce papers depending on their financial circumstances.

B. Continuation of Health Insurance 

The most common reason for entering into a Separation Agreement is to allow one spouse to continue to be covered by the other spouse’s health insurance.  Under New York Law, once divorced, the ex-spouse can no longer stay on the other spouse’s health insurance.  The only other option if there is a desire to stay on the same plan is to purchase COBRA benefits, which can be expensive.   In rare cases, some health insurance plans do not even allow one spouse the ability to cover the other spouse if they are separated.  We recommend that our clients check with their employer’s benefits office to confirm if they will be allowed to cover their spouse under a Separation Agreement.

C. Filing Taxes Jointly 

Another benefit for doing a Separation Agreement is that it allows the spouses, because they are still married, to file joint tax returns.  Once you are divorced, you can no longer file jointly.  We recommend consulting with an accountant to determine the advantages and disadvantages of filing jointly or separately.

3. How Much Time Is Needed Before Filing for Divorce After Entering Into a Separation Agreement?

Under New York’s “no fault” divorce law,  a spouse can file for divorce by asserting that the marriage has been irretrievably broken for a period of 6 months or more.  Another basis for filing for divorce is that the spouses have lived under a Separation Agreement for one year or more.  Therefore, if the spouses have entered into a separation agreement the earliest they can file is six months after the Separation Agreement has been signed.

4. How Long Can Spouses Live Under a Separation Agreement?

The short answer is indefinitely.  The spouses can live under the separation agreement for as long as they want to by mutual agreement.

5. What Makes a Separation Agreement “Legal”?

A Separation Agreement must be acknowledged and signed by both spouses before a notary. Once the Separation Agreement is properly executed, we recommend to our clients that they file it in the County Clerk’s office where at least one spouse resides.  

To obtain more information about the mediation or collaborative process, please contact us at 516-749-5017 or visit our website at www.nydivorcemediate.com. We will be happy to answer any additional questions or concerns you may have.

The concept of nesting is to have the children remain in the marital home with whichever parent is scheduled to be with them according to the parenting schedule.  Due to the high cost of renting or purchasing a new home, parents who wish to divorce or separate may opt to continue to maintain the marital residence for the children and delay renting or purchasing a new residence large enough to accommodate the children until they are in a financially better position to do so. 

Where does the parent who is not scheduled to be with the children reside?  There are several options.  For example, a parent may stay in a separate area of the home such as a basement apartment, a parent may stay with their parents or friends. Sometimes the spouse may opt to rent a small apartment when either is not to be with the children.  The choice to nest is not only financially but also psychologically beneficial to the children as they are not being moved from one home to another and will have the opportunity to ease into the transition of being with each parent separately.  There are several other factors to consider if you wish to nest.

Financial Issues Related to Nesting

How the bills will be paid during the nesting period is necessary to work out to avoid financial conflict. It’s helpful to make a list of the typical household expenses, such as the mortgage, rent, utilities, food clothing, car insurance, extracurricular activities for the children, and discretionary expenses such as vacations, gifts, and entertainment.  Once this is sorted out, a separate account to deposit income and pay for household expenses can be established.  It may also be helpful for each spouse to have a separate credit card to track expenses.  A decision can also be made to continue to pay household expenses as has been done in the past until the nesting period ends.

Another option is for the higher-income spouse to give the lower-income spouse a fixed amount of money each month to spend on designated expenses.  This may help the lower-income spouse with budgeting and give each spouse a better idea of what the costs may be once they live separately. 

Caring For The House While Nesting

To avoid conflict, spouses may want to spell out which spouse will be responsible for certain chores around the house. For example, one spouse may be responsible for maintaining the outside of the property and doing minor repairs around the house, while the other spouse may be responsible for cleaning the house and buying supplies for the house. Or the chores and responsibilities can be shared equally. Major repairs are a separate issue that will be addressed in the separation or divorce agreement.

What responsibilities each parent will have when they are scheduled to be with the children should also be spelled out. Some examples are:

1. Each parent will leave the house clean for the other parent. If necessary, if one parent cannot keep the house clean, they will hire a cleaning service at their expense.
2. Each parent will do their laundry and the children’s laundry while they are with the children.
3.  The spouse who is not scheduled to be with the children either stays in a separate area of the house and uses a separate entrance or leaves the house during the other parent’s scheduled parenting time.
4. The parent who is scheduled to be with the children shall be responsible for getting them to their respective activities unless otherwise agreed to by the other parent.
5. The parent who is scheduled to be with the children will be responsible for making sure the children do their homework.

If the spouses are sharing an apartment where each will stay while they are not in the marital home, similar financial and house rules need to be worked out.

How Long Will The Nesting Period Last and What If One Parent Wants To End It Sooner

During the mediation or collaborative divorce process, the parties will come to an agreement on a time frame for how long the nesting period will last.  Financial and emotional factors will impact this decision.  It may be that the spouses agree to nest for a period of time and then will agree to a longer period, but only by mutual agreement. The separation or divorce agreement may call for the house to be either sold once the nesting period ends, or for one spouse to buy out the other spouse’s interest in the house, or to keep the house for the children for several years with one spouse having exclusive use and possession of the house.  Whatever the case may be once the spouses are living separately child support and/or spousal support and any other financial arrangements with respect to the house will commence, unless another arrangement is agreed to. 

Leading Independent Lives

One of the more sensitive aspects of agreeing to a nesting arrangement is the ability of each spouse to go on with their separate lives.  Although it can be a difficult and awkward discussion, rules need to be set regarding significant others.  If one spouse is living in a separate area of the house, will the other spouse be upset if they bring someone over?  What about bringing someone over to an apartment that you share?   Both spouses need to be respectful of the other spouse’s feelings to make the nesting period as smooth a transition as possible. To obtain more information about the mediation or collaborative process, please contact us at 516-749-5017 or contact us online.  We will be happy to answer any additional questions or concerns you may have.

The decision to separate or divorce is usually one of the most difficult decisions of one’s life and is most likely something you’ve been thinking about for some time. But, once you have decided to move forward, it is so important to decide the best way to tell your spouse. The manner in which you handle the initial conversation can set the tone for how you hope the process to separate or divorce can happen.

How Will Your Spouse React?

It is often difficult to predict how your spouse will react to this conversation. Even if you believe that your spouse has recognized that the marriage has been in trouble, your spouse may still be shocked, angry or devastated at hearing the news. If your spouse does not realize that there are problems in the marriage that have brought you to this point, it is especially necessary to handle this with care and compassion.

Tips on How to Tell Your Spouse:

1. If at all possible, try to choose a time to talk to your spouse that is not particularly stressful in his or her life.  If other life events, such as an illness of a family member or particular issues at work, have impacted your spouse greatly try to choose a less stressful time period.
2. Choose a suitable location where you can have privacy and avoid distractions so long as you feel safe to do so if you have been seeing a therapist together that could be a safe location to share this news so that there is professional support for this conversation. The therapist can help facilitate the discussion while helping to deal with strong emotions that will likely emerge. Also, be prepared to suggest for your spouse to speak with his or her own counselor or other support systems after this discussion to process difficult emotions.
3. Have the conversation when the kids are not around to possibly hear you-this is not the way for the children to learn about this.
4. Stay calm and explain why you want to take this next step with a short summary of your unhappiness.
5. Listen to your spouse, so that your spouse can explain and express their feelings.  This is an important time to be an active listener and to reflect back and be compassionate about the feelings and thoughts of your spouse at this difficult time.
6. Recognize that this will be the first of many conversations.
7. Avoid blaming your spouse for your decision and avoid getting into an argument if your spouse blames you—this is about moving forward and engaging in either blaming or defensiveness will likely not be helpful.
8. Stay focused and calm and assure your spouse that you will work together to make sure this transition goes as smoothly as possible for each of you and your children.
9. Try to talk about a team approach even at the beginning regarding how you want to work together to make this process as comfortable as possible for both of you and the children.
10. Be prepared to possibly answer questions about how you will go about getting a divorce but try to avoid details during this first conversation as it may simply be too overwhelming at this point. Will you try the mediation or collaborative divorce process instead of a court process to minimize emotional and financial costs? Be reassuring that you want to work together to get to a fair and reasonable resolution.

Research Your Options to Get Separated or Divorced Before You Speak with Your Spouse

It will be helpful if you can offer suggestions once your spouse has had time to process your decision as to how to make this process as comfortable and supportive as possible. There are three options to consider: litigation, collaborative divorce or mediation. To avoid the expense and emotional drain that litigating your divorce will entail, consider either the mediation or collaborative process. Either process has the advantage of spending less money, taking less time and avoiding going to court.

Mediation

In mediation, you and your spouse negotiate with each other with the guidance of a neutral mediator. Divorce Mediation is almost always the least expensive option and is an excellent forum for communicating needs and concerns to achieve a separation or divorce. If the mediators are also lawyers, they will write the agreement and prepare and file your divorce papers. Mediation does not require you to go to court. 

At the New York Divorce Mediation Group, you will have two mediators who will be working with you and your spouse. Both mediators are attorneys and one mediator is also a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

Collaborative Divorce Process

The collaborative divorce process has each spouse represented by an attorney; however, the key difference is that the attorneys are committed to obtaining a fair settlement for both of you to avoid a trial. Underpinning this commitment, the attorneys sign an agreement that they will not represent you in court if a settlement is not achieved. To assist you and the attorneys, and if your particular situation so requires, neutral unbiased financial experts and/or family support specialists trained in the collaborative process will be retained by both of you to help navigate financial and family issues. The collaborative process will generally be less expensive, quicker and will result in an agreement tailored to your needs through the assistance of your collaborative team. The collaborative model, with a team approach, is very comprehensive and supportive in terms of emotional and financial issues. 

Getting Your Spouse to Agree

To help convince your spouse, it’s important to stress how either the mediation or collaborative process would benefit each of you. Provide your spouse with websites or articles explaining the process and benefits. If you have spoken with a mediator or collaborative attorney, you can provide your spouse with their contact information. Don’t force the issue. Give your spouse the time to consider these options.

To obtain more information about mediation or collaborative divorce, please contact us or visit our website at www.nydivorcemediate.com. We will be happy to answer any questions or address any concerns you may have.

One of the most difficult and emotionally wrenching aspects of going through a separation or divorce is breaking the news to your children. Parents struggle with the timing of when they should tell their children and what they will actually say. Studies have shown that children hearing “the news” of their parents’ separation is a moment that changed their lives forever and is often replayed many times in their memory. As much as the ending of your marriage has been difficult and emotionally draining for you, as parents you can expect that there will be a significant impact on your children as well. You may experience initially strong emotional reactions from a child, such as shock, sadness, and anger or a child may withdraw and not react much at all in the moment of hearing the news. Each of your children may react very differently. Some children may be very inquisitive and ask questions which, as parents, you need to be prepared to answer as best as you can under the circumstances. Preparation for this discussion is crucial. How you tell your children and the words you choose can help your children know that they will always be loved, valued, and supported by both of you. Your first conversation about separating won’t be your last. To support them through this fundamental change in their lives, they will need to know that they will be taken care of by both parents and that you will be there for them.

Should You Tell Your Children Together or Separately?

Generally, it is far better for both parents to set their feelings towards each other aside and sit down together to tell all the children at the same time. You don’t want your younger children hearing it first from their older sibling, rather than you as their parents. It is important for the children to see and hear from each of you that this decision to separate is what you, as parents, have decided is necessary. By telling them together, you are letting them know that you’re still a family, even if it is a family that may soon be living in two homes. This can also be a time for the children to see that you can still work together as a team to guide them and parent them. Again, it is most helpful to discuss carefully beforehand what you will be telling the children and to be as reassuring as possible and to avoid blame. 

What Are the Best Ways to Tell Your Children You Are Separating?

 You can start the conversation by telling the children that you both love them very much and you will both be there for them to talk and for whatever support they need. It’s important to emphasize that the decision to separate has to do with how the two of you as parents have been getting along- that it is absolutely not the fault of the children. You don’t need to go into the details of what went wrong in your marriage–that’s between the two of you. The problems of adults in relationships are hard to understand for children, especially younger ones. Instead, it may be helpful to explain that you have had problems for some time and you tried very hard to work them out, but weren’t able to do so and as a result, you have been unhappy living together. Because of this, you have decided to separate and this will mean there will be changes for them.

It may be slightly easier on the children if they hear initially you are separating, instead of saying you are divorcing.  Younger children don’t necessarily know what that means and older children do. The reality is that you are separating now, divorce does not occur immediately. By stating that you are separating you allow your children to get used to the idea over time. However, it is always important to be as honest as possible so they can rely on and trust what you are telling them and to not give them a false sense of hope that the situation will change if likely it will not change.

The children will understandably be concerned about what this means for them; where will they be living; where will they be going to school; will they still see their friends; and how much time will they spend with each of you? It’s best if you know what the living arrangements and parenting schedule will be before speaking with the children so that you can share that information with the children. For example, if you own a house, will you be selling the house or will one parent be staying in the house with the children? If you are selling the house, will they still be going to the same school or a different school? If the latter, will they still be able to see their friends? With one parent moving out, how often will they be with that parent? If you haven’t worked out all the details, you can tell them that you are both working to figure out the living arrangements and the parenting schedule and will discuss this all with them as soon as you know.

Again, it’s important to emphasize that your decision to separate has nothing to do with anything your child has done or said. Your child is not at fault.  While older children will most likely know this, younger children may blame themselves. Be ready to listen to your children’s questions. However they react, let them know you understand how they feel and you appreciate how difficult this is for them.

Pitfalls to Avoid When Telling Your Children

The children may want you to go into greater detail about why you are getting separated. The reasons you are getting separated or divorced are complex. You don’t need the children to evaluate who was more at fault and to choose sides. It will be far better for their emotional wellbeing now and into adulthood if they are not pulled between the two of you. They need the support of both parents.

In terms of the timing of telling the children, it can be helpful to tell them at the beginning of a weekend when they can be around you more and will have more time to process the information and to ask questions. Generally, it is best to avoid this conversation around a holiday or special birthday which might many years into the future negatively impact the enjoyment of that holiday or celebration.

Because this conversation is so difficult and sad, you may be tempted to keep the conversation short. Just being there for your children and allowing them to express their feelings will go a long way toward showing them your love and support. Try as much as possible to manage your own emotions so they don’t overwhelm the children but it is honestly a sad time and it is ok for your children to know you have emotions too. 

Final Takeaways

Whether you choose the mediation process or the collaborative law process, our Long Island divorce mediators will discuss your particular family situation to help you determine when the best time would be to speak with your children and what you should say given your children’s ages and personalities. If the first conversation goes well, it will provide a foundation for your family to adjust and still thrive in this new reality.

One of the most important decisions you and your spouse or partner will undertake during your separation or divorce will be to create a parenting plan that will work for your children and for both of you. The primary goal of any parenting plan is to foster the well- being of the children and to encourage the continued loving and emotional support from both parents. In mediation or the collaborative divorce process, we will help you create a parenting plan that will meet the particular and unique needs of your family.

Custody Arrangement

The first thing you need to discuss and decide is whether one spouse or partner will have the children more than half of the time during the year. This is called “primary residential custody” and it typically occurs when one parent has the child or children the majority of the time, particularly during the week.  Another option is when the parents have “shared custody”, which means that each of you will have the children half the time. This could mean that you split equally each week or rotate the weeks that the children will spend with each parent. In mediation, we discuss how weekdays, weekends, and holiday and vacation time will be shared.

Factors to Consider When Creating a Parenting Plan

Work Schedules

Once you have decided on the custody arrangement, the next step is to review you respective work schedules if both of you are working. For example, if one parent needs to get to work very early in the morning, and the other parent does not, the parent who starts work later can be responsible for getting them to school in the morning, while the other parent can be responsible for picking them up from school in the afternoon. Some parents, especially police and firefighters, may have rotating shifts. In such cases, a schedule can be created so that the parent has the children on their days off.  

Children’s Schedules

The next step is to review your children’s school schedule and their extracurricular activities. The goal is to have the children spend quality time with each parent, so that each parent can attend to the child’s emotional and physical needs. Usually both parents, regardless of the parenting schedule will agree to attend extracurricular events at the same time so as to both have the ability to share in the important events in the life of their children. If both parents are living in homes that can accommodate the children comfortably and safely, sleepovers and time spent at each home is common. If, however, one parent has stayed in the marital residence and the other parent is renting a room or small apartment, it may be agreed that the parenting time will be outside of the home or at the home of another relative such as a grandparent. Many options are available to discuss and consider with the help of a well-trained and experienced mediator or collaborative professional.

Distance Between Parents’ Homes

If parents live close together, it will likely be easier to for each parent to share responsibility to get the children to school and to other activities. If the parents do not live near each other, an arrangement where one parent sees the children after they get home from work a few evenings each week and then have the children for sleepovers on some weekends may work best. In mediation various options are discussed. Sometimes parents try a schedule for a brief period of time to see if it is a good fit for all members of the family.

If one parent moves far away from the other, regular weekly visits may not be possible. If this is your situation, you may want to work out a plan for your child to spend an extended period with the other parent during school breaks during the school year and during the summer months.

Children’s Ages and Emotional Needs

Parenting plans may change over time as your children grow and change. A younger child may do better spending a lot of time with each parent, and to have a more set schedule so as to have more clear expectations. If you have an anxious child, working with a therapist may ease the transition to two households. Teenagers are often more independent at this developmental stage and also frequently mostly interested in being with their friends and peers, so sometimes a set schedule is not as necessary and needs to be a bit more flexible.   

Parents’ Needs

While your children’s needs are paramount, it is important that a parenting schedule also allow you to have time to tend to your emotional and other needs. If, for example, one parent has the children every weekend, it does not afford that parent time alone to be with friends or to get chores or errands done or to engage in self-care. The parent who never has the children on weekends may feel that they are not in their children’s lives as much as they want to be to create a strong healthy relationship. It’s important to create a parenting plan that provides balance for each parent as well. The transitions that come with divorce are ones that offer challenges to parents in adjustment as well. It is important for parents to consider their own needs as doing so will likely enable each parent to better cope with the stressors that separation or divorce can create.

Holidays

When deciding who will have the children on which holidays it is helpful to consider family traditions that the children may have gotten accustomed to in their lives and to also try to also create new customs or transitions. For example, the Christmas holiday can be divided into Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning and Christmas Day. One parent’s family may have a big celebration on Christmas Eve and the other parent’s family may celebrate on Christmas Day. If that’s the case, then one parent can take the children for Christmas Eve and the other for Christmas Day. Or if both families celebrate at the same time then you may want to alternate years in which each of you will have them or split the day in some capacity, with one family doing brunch and another doing dinner. Being open to various options can be very helpful to maximize time with the children on the holidays and also to afford the children an opportunity to be with their grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. Thanksgiving can also be a challenge, which may necessitate alternating Thanksgiving Day and then having the children be with the other parent on Friday of the four day Thanksgiving Holiday. Some families may want to alternate the Thursday and Friday of Thanksgiving with the Saturday and Sunday of that weekend. Or split the Thursday in some way, such as brunch with one family and dinner with the other. There is no one size fits all schedule. For some parents with extended family living out of town the alternating of the holidays will be a likely outcome due to travel time needed.

Vacation Weeks

For school age children through high school, the children will have off Christmas Week, President’s Week and Spring Break. Some parents will split those weeks, but not interfere with who has them on the particular holiday such as Easter Day or Christmas Day. Other parents will want to take the children on vacation during those weeks and may want to alternate them. Parents also need to consider summer vacations and whether they want to take the children for an uninterrupted week or two during the summer. Holiday weeks and summer weeks can be set up in advance to avoid conflicts and to have each parent be prepared to make their own plans in the event that they don’t have the children on a particular holiday.

Communication

It is so important that both parents agree on the best method of communicating regarding the children. This would include any changes to the parenting plan where one parent cannot take the children at their scheduled time. If there are activities that the children are involved in, each parent should know about them in advance. We advise parents to create a monthly schedule at the end of each month for the upcoming month to minimize disruptions to the schedule and conflicts that may occur as a result of last minute changes. There are also parenting plan apps that parents may find useful. Above all, parents need to be flexible and cooperative, recognizing that things come up and changes to the schedule may be necessary. Both parents will likely need adjustments along the way and therefore being agreeable to changes will likely be reciprocated. By working together, you will make it easier on yourselves and your children. Cooperation creates less stress on you and your children and in mediation we do everything to help foster that cooperation and collaboration.

If you should have any further questions about the mediation or collaborative law process, both of which are alternatives to going to court, please contact one of our Long Island divorce mediators or collaborative attorneys online today or call (516) 749-5017 to schedule a no-cost consultation.

In my career as a mediator I have heard and read about many misconceptions about Divorce Mediation. In this blog I will focus on what I consider to be the Five Most Common Misconceptions about Divorce Mediation.

#1- Mediation Won’t Work in High Conflict Cases- Spouses or Partners Need to be “Amicable”.

It is not necessarily realistic to expect spouses or partners to be very amicable as they contemplate separating or divorcing. Certainly, it is sometimes the case, but if partners or spouses were that amicable they might not be getting separated or divorced. In other words, as mediators we understand that there is often much hurt, disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness, fear and a host of other emotions that our clients experience. We offer in mediation a very safe and supportive environment with the hope that the clients can leave the process in the most amicable manner possible as they continue in their lives, often as co-parents.

Mediation is well suited for even high conflict cases. The alternative, litigation, can be pathologically draining and destructive emotionally and financially. Sometimes it is necessary, but it can fuel the fire with high conflict couples.

Divorce mediators are trained in conflict resolution and family dynamics. Couples are not talking by themselves. We are experienced in identifying triggers and also in helping with more effective communication techniques. Couples often are very entrenched in negative communication patterns that they aren’t even aware of. We are trained to identify them and help clients communicate more productively.

Mediation looks to resolve. It is very solution oriented. Mediation does not foster a “Win-Lose” mentality or framework. This is especially important when children are involved! The mediation or litigation will end but co- parenting is forever. Mediation helps to change the dialogue between parents for the years ahead.

The mediation framework also offers an opportunity to caucus if emotions escalate in high conflict cases. At the New York Divorce Mediation Group our practice is based upon a co-mediation model with each couple working with two co-mediators. This provides an opportunity for caucusing where one spouse may talk with one mediator and another spouse with the other mediator and then the mediators can help focus on the respective concerns of the clients to help resolve things more peaceably.

The bottom line is that people who are filled with emotion or who don’t like each other or who disagree can mediate. We do it every day.  Often these clients come out of the process communicating in a different, healthier manner and all with less stress.  

#2. Mediation is Only For Simple Low Asset Cases- Not For High Net Worth Clients

This may be the Biggest Misconception.In my experience it is often easier to mediate with higher asset/higher income families.

I am seeing this more with the increase in long term marriages, commonly referred to as GRAY divorces. These couples often have accrued greater assets or have higher income than younger couples.  

It is a great deal easier to move forward financially with greater assets and higher income. These families are not as worried about paying the bills or being financially secure. They are not as worried about how they will afford two households. In contrast, lesser income clients are focused on their ability to put a roof over their heads, much less two roofs over their heads, and putting food on the table.

Higher asset couples are more confident in their financial futures and in their ability to live comfortably in separate households.

Also, for higher net worth clients we can avail ourselves of other professionals in the mediation process, including pension evaluators, business evaluators, financial planners, retirement professionals, tax professionals, trust and estate professionals, special needs professionals and real estate professionals, among others. These professionals can come in as neutrals or to help one party.

Higher net worth clients often report preferring a more confidential process. They often don’t want to be in court and prefer privacy of resolving their situation, under their own timetable and not one that is court imposed.

#3. A Couple Can Only Mediate if They Have Equal Power/Advocacy Skills

This is an arena where I really try to do the best assessment I can when I do a consultation.

Not often does each member of a couple have equal power or advocacy skills.

It is very common for one spouse to be more financially savvy or for one spouse to be more responsible for paying bills or financial planning etc. but there are many elements in mediation that can address this issue.

The mediation process requires full disclosure of assets and debts.

We have clients prepare individual budgets and we go over them line by line so everyone is on the same page as to what it will likely cost to have two households.

Furthermore, mediation clients can utilize if they so choose a consulting attorney. It can be very helpful when clients have consulted with an attorney who has advised them honestly about their RIGHTS and RESPONSIBILITIES. This is important when clients have unrealistic expectations- they tend to focus on their rights or entitlements but not so much on their responsibilities or obligations. Consulting with an attorney can be so much more helpful than listening to the chorus of family and friends who may mean well but who might set up unrealistic expectations or offer inaccurate information.

Other professionals who can help where there are unequal advocacy skills are divorce coaches, therapists or mental health counselors, or various divorce financial professionals. For each case our clients are guided to consider the use of affiliated professionals, as needed, who can offer support and information.

Although this blog is not focusing on issues of domestic violence in our practice, we provide an intake form for clients to give us confidential information to screen for it. We have offered safe spaces for before or after a session for clients who wish to mediate but who express a need for a cooling off period before or after a session.

#4. Mediation Means Settling for Less

Divorce mediators have the unique ability to understand both spouses or partners points of view and help each of them as much as possible achieve some of their goals. Both spouses or partners are given an opportunity to discuss what their respective interests are and what is really important to them. In mediation we focus on meeting as many of those needs as possible.

Any negotiated settlement involves compromise no matter the forum. Indeed most court cases are settled anyway. Even if your case goes before a judge there is no guarantee the judge will rule in your favor. A good agreement, which can be accomplished through mediation, is one in which both spouses or partners may not get everything they want, but have agreed to terms that give them what they need to move forward.  

#5 Divorce Mediators Make Decisions for the Clients

Mediators do not make decisions for the clients. The participants retain control. Divorce mediators act as neutrals and identify the issues that need to be addressed. Mediators facilitate discussion and keep the participants on track. Mediators provide information or access to information and help the clients explore options. Mediators educate their clients in general on legal issues.  We prepare, for example, the spousal maintenance guidelines and child support guidelines.

Studies have shown that when people reach agreements on their own-that are not IMPOSED on them- that THEY feel are fair –they prove to be much more SUSTAINABLE agreements. They are more likely adhered to.

Clients can always come back to mediation to modify their agreement. Often it is required in the agreement before going to court to try one or two sessions in order to save time and money and to continue with the mediation process.  

Most often in my practice, if modifications are sought they are usually related to the children with respect to parenting plans, child support recalculations, or other expenses related to the children.

A testament to the divorce mediation process is that during the Covid crisis we have seen clients either working out modifications on their own or seeking our help where changes have occurred that have needed modifications. This has been related to situations where one parent was an essential worker and issues needed to be addressed to work out comfortable rules to minimize Covid risk or where one parent lost a job or had to work from home and children were home and parenting schedules needed to be readjusted. There were no courts open and the families had to work it out and I saw that time after time that the clients who had the experience of working issues out together during mediation were able to continue to do so either on their own or with our assistance. This is a very powerful validation of the mediation process for resolving separation and divorce issues.   Any questions please reach out to one of our divorce mediators on Long Island at the New York Divorce Mediation Group online or by telephone at 516-749-5017 for a free consultation. We are available to answer all of your questions and to discuss all of your concerns.

At some point during the mediation or collaborative law process, couples will need to decide if they wish to live under a Separation Agreement or go straight for divorce. The first question most people ask is what’s the difference between separation and divorce?  The language in each agreement as it relates to child support or spousal support, a parenting plan or the equitable distribution of assets such as the house or retirement plans or debts accrued during the marriage is the same—only the title of the agreement and the provision relating to a separation or a divorce is different.  One is called a Separation Agreement and the other is called a Stipulation of Settlement. So, while the substantive terms of the agreement are the same, the effects of separation and divorce are different.

Time to Consider Your Decision to Live Separately

One advantage to living under a Separation Agreement is that it gives you and your spouse the time to determine if you want to try to work on your marriage without legally ending it right away. The Separation Agreement can be rescinded if you decide to reconcile. The Separation can also give you the time and space to decide that it would be best to proceed with a divorce. 

Impact on Health Insurance

The most popular reason for choosing to live under a Separation Agreement is that one spouse can typically stay on the other spouse’s health insurance under most employer-provided health insurance plans. This can result in significant cost savings. If one spouse is self-employed, purchasing health insurance may be expensive. The spouse who has employer-provided health insurance may have a plan that has doctors that the other spouse may not be able to use if they go on other insurance. This is especially true if the spouse has a health condition and is in treatment with specific doctors. If a spouse is unemployed or, if the spouse works, but is not provided with health insurance by their employer, staying on the other spouse’s health insurance for a period of time until they are able to obtain health insurance on their own is a benefit. One note of caution, not every company will allow a separated spouse to stay on the employed spouse’s health insurance. It’s important to check with the employer’s human resources department to determine if a spouse can stay on the employee spouse’s health insurance while separated. The good news is that most plans allow this.

In contrast, If the couple gets divorced instead of living under a Separation Agreement, the spouse without health insurance can no longer stay on the other spouse’s health insurance, but can purchase COBRA and remain on it for up to 36 months. COBRA provides for the former spouse’s health insurance at the group health insurance rate. However, the cost of COBRA can be expensive.

Impact on Tax Filing

Another reason to live under a Separation Agreement is that the separated spouses can still file their tax returns jointly. This may result in tax savings that will benefit both of you. It’s important to check with your accountant to determine if this is indeed the case. Once you are divorced, you will either file single or head of household. The party who can claim that one or more children live with them more than half the time during the calendar year can file as head of household. This filing status has a  higher standard deduction than the standard deduction when filing single. 

Converting a Separation Agreement Into a Divorce

If you decide to file for divorce, the Separation Agreement will be submitted with the other divorce papers and the terms set forth in the Separation Agreement will be incorporated into the divorce decree. At the New York Divorce Mediation Group, we will explore with you and your spouse, which option is best for your situation. If you should have any further questions about the mediation or collaborative law process, both of which are alternatives to going to court, please contact one of our Long Island divorce mediators or collaborative attorneys online today or call 516-749-5017 to schedule a no-cost consultation.

The emotional stages of divorce can be difficult and overwhelming to deal with. Everyone experiences divorce differently but understanding the various emotional stages can help you get through this process with more clarity and hope.

Letting go of someone you love, or once loved, is never easy. Whatever your reason for divorce may be, our skilled and compassionate team at New York Divorce Mediation Group can help you through this challenging time. In this article, we will discuss the emotional stages of divorce and how mediation can help your divorce be less stressful. 

The Emotional Toll of Divorce

Divorce is considered to be one of the most stressful situations a person can go through, and it can wreak havoc on your emotional health. Most people expect to be with their partner for the rest of their life, so when someone is faced with divorce, they may experience a range of emotions from depression and rage to shame and hopelessness. If you are unable to deal with your feelings in a healthy way, the emotional toll of divorce can last for months or even years. 

Divorce can lead to very strong emotions and even destructive behavior such as alcohol and drug abuse and other unhealthy habits. Often people do not realize that an emotional divorce can greatly affect your physical health as well. Going through divorce can be very challenging, especially if you are unsure how to approach your own feelings and your spouse’s feelings with honesty and compassion. We believe the best way to manage an emotional divorce is through mediation. Mediation is a collaborative approach to divorce that allows you and your spouse to discuss your issues and reach an equitable settlement in a low-stress, calm environment. 

Here are the six major emotional stages of divorce.  

Stage 1: Denial & Blaming  

Denial and blaming are very common responses to getting a divorce. It can be complicated and painful to accept that your relationship isn’t where it should be or once was. You may even think divorce could have been avoided if you and your spouse could solve your own marital issues. But that is not always the case. Denial and blame can send you into an emotional whirlwind, which can hinder your acceptance of your situation. You may even place the blame on your spouse by thinking, “If my partner didn’t do X, Y, and Z, this wouldn’t be happening.” Thinking this way can cause you to harbor resentment and bitterness. It can also force you to suppress your emotions, which can make your divorce all the more challenging. 

Stage 2: Anger & Resentment

Anger and resentment are very common emotions couples experience in a marriage headed toward divorce. You may be angry or resentful that things didn’t work out, or you may be upset with yourself or your spouse for getting to this point in your relationship. During this stage, people often painfully dissect every aspect of their marriage. After people suppress their emotions (like in the denial stage), their emotions can erupt and lead to feeling very out of control. It’s important to be patient and gentle with yourself and not to allow your anger and resentment to consume you. This can lead to harmful and vindictive decisions, so it’s best to feel these emotions and then let them pass. You don’t want to make any important decisions purely on emotion. Allow yourself the time and space to cope with the stress and remember what is in your and your family’s best interest. 

Stage 3: Bargaining 

The bargaining stage may feel like a bit of a shock, but a lot of people struggle with this, even those who initiate the divorce. As people weigh the odds, they may battle feelings of doubt and guilt. For example, you may be wondering if you made the right decision or if you could have done something differently. You may be questioning your decisions and analyzing the consequences. There is a lot of going back and forth during this stage. 

Stage 4: Depression 

Depression brought on by divorce is very typical for couples. This stage can last for a long time, and it can be the most difficult to grapple with. It is usually during this stage that the reality of this situation has settled in for both parties. Depression can be debilitating and overwhelming, which is why it is so important to lean on your support system and accept help from your support system. You may consider seeing a therapist for yourself or your children. Speaking to a professional can help you and your family work through this painful event and gain skill to learn how to cope in a healthy way, and heal. 

Stage 5: Letting Go & Acceptance

Most people find peace during this emotional stage of divorce. When the negative emotions finally stop, you may feel like you can finally find happiness and contentment in your life. This stage is essential for self-reflection and growth. You will finally see that there is life after divorce, and there are positive things in your life that you can look forward to. 

It is also common for people to briefly revisit a previous emotional stage during this time because it leads you to a mindset that allows you to move on. The stages of emotions are not always linear. Eventually you will be more able to embrace your reality and have hope for the future. Experiencing negative emotions is natural, but now, you are no longer consumed by those feelings. 

Stage 6: New Beginnings

Now with new beginnings, you will hopefully feel a sense of joy and be able to reclaim some of your old self and feel more empowered by the changes in your life.  This is the time to keep yourself motivated and spend time with yourself. Try to create the life you want and deserve. This could include finding a new hobby or taking a vacation. Sometimes, a change of scenery can change your outlook for the better and give you a chance to fully heal.

Mediation: A Low-Stress, Amicable, and Collaborative Approach to Divorce

Divorce mediation is a low-stress and amicable option for couples experiencing an emotional divorce. Our team of New York divorce mediators and therapists can help you cope with your emotional divorce so you can get through this difficult time and start your new life. 

In divorce mediation, you and your spouse collaborate and work with a neutral third party called a mediator. The mediator acts as your guide through the divorce process so you can discuss and resolve issues in your divorce. Without divorce mediation, a litigated divorce with two adversarial attorneys might cause harm to your emotional wellbeing. Mediation is also less expensive than litigation and it’s less combative. If you would like to make your divorce go more peaceably, mediation is your solution. 

To schedule a no obligation consultation with our team at New York Divorce Mediation Group, please contact us today. 

We look forward to helping you start your new life!

Divorce is often one of life’s greatest stressors and the goal in a mediated or collaborative divorce process is to achieve a more peaceful, calm, divorce process that is focused on support at this difficult time. Mediation and the collaborative divorce process are generally faster, more amicable, and more cost-effective alternative dispute resolution processes than litigation. 

If you seek a calmer and less stressful or costly manner in which to separate or divorce, mediation may be the best option for you and your family. Mediators have your best interest in mind, and unlike the courts, they can help you and your spouse come to a mutually agreeable solution. 

In this article, we will discuss the following:

• Understanding What Mediation, Litigation, and Collaborative Divorce Are
  • What Is Divorce Mediation?
  • What Is a Collaborative Divorce?
  • What Is Divorce Litigation?
• How Long Does Each Approach Take?
• 5 Key Benefits of Mediation and Why It’s a Preferable Approach
• How Our New York Mediators Can Help

Understanding What Mediation, Litigation, and Collaborative Divorce Are

There are pros and cons to mediation, litigation, and collaborative divorce. However, mediation can help you and your family find common ground and make a decision based on your unique needs without an audience of judges and lawyers. Whatever your family’s needs may be, our compassionate and skilled team at New York Divorce Mediation Group can help you.

First, we will discuss the differences between three options for divorce or legal separation: mediation, a collaborative process divorce and litigation. Each approach’s timetable depends on various factors, which will also be listed below.

What Is Divorce Mediation?

In divorce mediation, a neutral third-party (the mediator) helps you negotiate and find a common resolution for you and your spouse or partner. The mediator doesn’t have the decision making role, so it’s between you and your spouse or partner to come to a resolution, with the guidance and support of a trained mediator. Mediation is also the most informal, flexible, time saving, and inexpensive option compared to litigation and collaborative divorce. During divorce mediation, there is no obligation to hire a lawyer or other adviser, but there is always the option to do so if  either partner wishes to do so. 

What Is a Collaborative Divorce?

During this type of divorce process, spouses are represented by collaborative attorneys. The spouses and attorneys sign a “no court” participation agreement. Attorneys may recommend involving collaborative professionals, such as a family support specialists or a financial neutral and this approach is also more informal and usually much more flexible than litigation. Attorneys must withdraw if the case goes to court. Spouses and attorneys negotiate in “four-way” meetings (or five-way or six-way meetings if other professionals are involved).   

What Is Divorce Litigation?  

Litigation is a legal term essentially meaning taking legal action. When parties choose to litigate, they are often subjecting themselves to a potentially costly and drawn-out divorce process. Also, litigation can be mentally and emotionally draining on everyone involved, especially if you have children. Litigation can often bring out negative emotions and behaviors due to a win-lose mentality fostered during this process. Often this more contentious approach can cause more conflict between family members. Litigation can be very unpredictable and could take years to complete.

Divorce mediation is a more affordable and amenable alternative to litigation, and it works toward settling your case without ever going to trial or court. Unlike litigation attorneys, the mediator’s goal is to not to foster the win-lose approach, but to help find your family a solution. The mediator looks at your documents and listens carefully to what both parties have to say about concerns, fears and needs in their particular and unique situation. Mediators also help facilitate conversations about the most agreeable option for both parties instead of having a judge make a decision that is legally binding and could conceivably achieve a result that neither spouse or partner seeks.   

How Long Does Each Approach Take?

Divorce Mediation – The timeline for mediation is more flexible because the spouses determine the timetable, whereas with litigation, the judge and court proceedings determine the timetable. Depending on your case, a mediation matter typically takes a few sessions, usually between two and five sessions, depending on the complexity of issues and how much needs to be discussed. The parties can schedule appointments at their own convenience, depending on work schedules and child care availability, if children are involved. All parties attend the full mediation session, and there are breaks, as needed, throughout the session.

Collaborative Divorce –More efficient and usually less expensive than litigation, collaborative divorce also lets you take more control of the process than with litigation and court meetings.  During collaboration, there are two lawyers involved who need to coordinate schedules as do any other neutrals involved in the case, which might make the process somewhat more time consuming than mediation.

Litigation –Litigation makes the divorce process more lengthy because of it follows more court imposed regulations and timelines.  In addition, when lawyers and a judge get involved, there are more people who have influence over the timeline. Litigation can often result in a long, drawn-out divorce that can last years.

5 Key Benefits of Divorce Mediation and Why It’s a Quicker Approach

Each benefit of divorce mediation ultimately affects the timeline of the divorce process. When you have more control over the process itself and the courts aren’t as involved, this can drastically reduce the length of the divorce.

Here are five key benefits of mediation, which may ultimately influence the length of time a divorce can take.

1. Flexibility and control over the process – Mediation is flexible and gives you and your spouse or partner more control over the process. You are not required to have additional professionals or other attorneys actively involved in your divorce process, but the choice is completely up to you. The only people who are usually involved in the process are you, your spouse or partner, and a non-biased mediator or non-biased co-mediators.  At the New York Divorce Mediation Group our mediators are attorneys and are also trained in family dynamics or as licensed therapists.

2. Efficiency and cost savings – Mediation is a cost-effective alternative to litigation and usually less costly than the collaborative model. For example, coordinating the calendars of at least four people—you, your spouse, and both of your attorneys—can be time-consuming and costly. Also, at least two actively participating attorneys can increase legal fees considerably.

3. Civility – Civility is a critical part of the mediation process.  Mediation depends on spouses agreeing with the support of the mediator.  Mediation guides and is predicated on the principle that each party remain civil and respectful during the divorce process so that each party can have his or her voice heard respectfully.

4. Privacy and confidentiality – Mediation allows you and your spouse or partner to have more privacy during the divorce process. There aren’t any court rooms, court personnel or other attorneys or litigants watching your every move. During mediation, your conversations are private, and you and your spouse can discuss your conflicts openly without concern for privacy or confidentiality.

5. Lawyers – Most mediation situations do not require parties to get their own separate legal counsel for consultation or review of agreements prepared, but that is always an option at any time during the process. Mediation is specifically designed to help people work through conflicts without a judge or time consuming and costly legal proceedings.  Not only are our mediators at New York Divorce Mediation Group trained divorce mediators, but they are also licensed attorneys.

How Our New York Divorce Mediators Can Help

Mediators act as neutral third parties who creates a safe space for effective, open dialogue between spouses or partners during a separation or divorce. Divorce is often an emotional process for everyone involved, but mediation can help the process proceed with more ease and calm.

Our team at New York Divorce Mediation Group has extensive experience in divorce law, family law, and counseling. Mediators at NYDMG are sensitive, empathetic, and understanding, and we are always prepared to help you resolve any issues regarding your legal separation or divorce in a calm, safe environment. Some of the issues we help resolve include: 

Division of Marital Property
Spousal Support (Maintenance)
Child Support
Parenting Plans for Children, including Custody Issues

Whatever legal issue your family may be facing, our mediators at New York Divorce Mediation Group can help you find a solution that is agreeable for you and your spouse or partner.

Call Us Today for  a Free Consultation for Divorce Mediation in New York

Our team at New York Divorce Mediation Group has years of experience helping separating or divorcing couples find a solution that suits them and their needs. We will guide you to an equitable resolution of your divorce or separation with the quality service, compassion, and support you deserve. You can call us at (516) 749-5017 to schedule a no-obligation, confidential consultation or contact us online today. 

Divorce and separation are some of life’s most difficult transitions—especially when children are involved. One of the biggest concerns for parents is how divorce will affect their kids emotionally, financially, and socially. Questions often arise about new living arrangements, parenting schedules, and the ability to provide stability during such uncertain times.

This is where exploring divorce mediation benefits and the collaborative divorce model can make all the difference. Unlike traditional litigation, both approaches focus on reducing conflict, encouraging cooperation, and prioritizing the best interests of the children.

In this guide, we’ll explore the advantages of mediation in divorce and how the collaborative model supports healthy, effective co-parenting after divorce.

Why Choose Mediation or the Collaborative Divorce Model?

For families with children, the emotional stress of a courtroom battle can make an already difficult situation even harder. Mediation and collaborative divorce take a child-centered, non-adversarial approach. Both options encourage parents to resolve disputes respectfully and keep children’s needs at the forefront.

Studies have shown that children adjust better when their parents work together to reduce conflict and communicate effectively. By choosing these models, parents set the stage for healthier family dynamics long after the divorce is finalized.

1. Improved Communication for Co-Parenting

One of the core divorce mediation benefits is the focus on healthy communication. In mediation, parents are guided by a neutral divorce mediator—often with specialized training in family dynamics—who helps both sides express concerns calmly and respectfully.

At the New York Divorce Mediation Group, our mediators help parents concentrate on what matters most: the well-being of their children. Instead of trying to persuade a judge, parents collaborate on solutions tailored to their family’s needs.

The collaborative divorce model builds on this idea by involving a team of professionals: attorneys for each parent, a Family Support Specialist, and often a Financial Specialist. These professionals work together to encourage cooperation and mutual respect—skills that are essential for long-term co-parenting success.

2. Child-Centered Support

The collaborative model often includes a Family Support Specialist, a mental health professional trained in child development and conflict resolution. Their role is to help parents understand emotional triggers and keep the focus on the children.

This structured problem-solving creates a strong foundation for future decision-making, from everyday scheduling to navigating unexpected challenges as children grow.

For families who need extra guidance, a Child Specialist may also be included to directly support children, explain the divorce process in age-appropriate ways, and bring the children’s perspectives into discussions.

3. Financial Clarity and Stability

Money matters can be one of the biggest stressors in divorce. The collaborative model helps parents tackle budgeting, assets, debts, and long-term financial planning with the assistance of a Financial Specialist.

By promoting open discussions about finances, both models reduce uncertainty and help parents make informed, child-focused financial decisions. This approach also often reduces legal costs compared to litigation, keeping more resources available for the family’s needs.

4. A Non-Adversarial Process

Traditional litigation can pit parents against each other, creating a win-lose environment. In contrast, both mediation and collaborative divorce encourage mutual problem-solving. Instead of inflaming conflict, these models promote cooperation and respect.

This mindset shift helps parents focus on constructive outcomes, such as creating parenting plans that balance children’s needs with each parent’s work schedule—without escalating tension.

5. Privacy and Greater Control

Another key benefit of co-parenting mediation and collaborative divorce is privacy. Decisions are made outside of court, in a safe and supportive setting. Parents don’t have to worry about sensitive conversations being used against them in litigation.

By choosing mediation or collaboration, parents maintain control over crucial decisions instead of leaving them in the hands of a judge. This fosters empowerment and ensures that choices are tailored to the unique needs of the family.

6. Support for Families with Special Needs Children

Children with special needs often require long-term care, additional financial planning, and coordination between parents. Mediation and collaborative divorce provide the structure for parents to discuss future needs, explore funding options, and ensure continuity of care well beyond legal adulthood.

Conclusion: Building a Stronger Future for Families

The advantages of mediation in divorce and the collaborative divorce model go beyond resolving immediate disputes. They create a foundation for healthier communication, child-centered decision-making, financial clarity, and long-term cooperation.

Parents who choose these approaches are better equipped to reduce conflict, support their children, and navigate the challenges of co-parenting after divorce with empathy and respect.

If you are in New York and considering your options, the New York Divorce Mediation Group offers compassionate and professional support. Serving families throughout Suffolk County and Nassau County, our experienced divorce mediators on Long Island can guide you toward solutions that protect your family’s well-being while reducing stress and conflict.

Going through a divorce can be very difficult, no matter what the reason for it may be. Divorce can turn your world completely upside down and make it hard just to get through the day. No matter how strong and stable you may look on the outside, your inner world can be crumbling around you. But that doesn’t mean you have to crumble with it. 

Divorce is one of the most stressful, overwhelming, and emotional experiences a person can go through. Even if both spouses are better off apart, realizing divorce may be necessary can still be difficult to accept. This emotional rollercoaster can take a serious toll on your physical and mental wellbeing if you’re not careful.

Thankfully, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can and will get through this if you practice healthy coping habits and stay focused on the positive. This is not to say you should ignore reality, but rather, accept the situation and learn how to move on in a healthy, productive way. 

Here are 8 healthy coping strategies that can help you process your divorce so you can start your new life. 

1. Seek Support From Your Loved Ones

Perhaps the most important thing you can do during a divorce is seek support from your loved ones. It may not feel like it now, but there are people who care about you and your wellbeing. Whether they are family members or close friends, a supportive and encouraging group of people can help you get through this difficult time in one piece. One note of caution—it is important to rely on loved ones who don’t add fuel to the fire, but offer constructive support and encouragement without creating more conflict. You may even consider joining a safe organized support group in your community or online. Whoever you may lean on during this time of emotional upheaval, make sure it’s someone you can trust to be open and honest with. When you’re surrounded by your loved ones in a safe and nurturing environment, a world of possibilities and hope will open itself up to you.

2. Practice Physical and Emotional Self-Care

Taking the time to care for yourself can help you feel rejuvenated and ready to face anything. Remember, your needs are important too. Not only does physical and emotional self-care promote overall health, it conveys to others that you value yourself and your needs. Self-care during divorce also helps manage feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression. When you carve out time for yourself to address your needs, you are taking responsibility for yourself. Exercising or any physical movement can make a world of difference, especially because exercise releases “happy hormones” called endorphins. Finally, practicing self-care allows you to be better equipped to care for those you love most, like your children, parents, or siblings.

3. Take a Step Back and Self-Reflect

Whether you’re currently going through a divorce or your divorce was recently finalized, acceptance and self-reflection are essential. It may take a lot of sleepless nights and several boxes of tissues, but self-reflection will help you learn more about yourself as a person, parent, and/or partner. Most times, our lack of self-awareness causes problems in our relationships, especially when it comes to marriage. Get to know yourself again and set realistic standards for yourself and the company you keep. Don’t settle in your relationships, including the one you have with yourself!

4. Avoid Power Struggles and Arguments

Divorce is difficult enough without constant power struggles and never-ending arguments. If you want to cope with divorce in a healthy way, try to avoid playing the blame game. A marriage takes two people to work—and it is very hard work—so try not to dwell on the past and what could’ve been if you or your spouse would’ve done or said something differently. If you do dwell on these things, resentment and bitterness is bound to boil over and cause an explosion. When you’re going through a divorce, your divorce mediator can help you and your spouse compromise and effectively communicate in a way that’s productive for everyone. 

5. Don’t Involve Your Children in the Conflict

The worst possible thing you can do during a divorce is put your children in the middle of the conflict. This means, do not confide in your children, make them choose sides, or use them as a bargaining chip. If at all possible, it’s best to avoid fighting in front of your children throughout the process and even after the divorce is finalized. A high-conflict relationship between parents can negative affect your children for the rest of their lives. This can lead to a number of behavioral or mental health issues as they continue into adulthood. Children do not need to bear the burden of their parents’ relationship. Divorce mediation is a non-adversarial and less stressful approach divorce that not only benefits you, but it will benefit the children as well.

6. Explore Your Interests

Now that you’re getting a divorce, it’s time to learn how to be on your own again, at least for a little while. Being alone can be scary but try think of this time as an opportunity for growth—an opportunity to find yourself again. Have you always wanted to take an Italian cooking class, but never did? Do you want to learn how to play a new, exciting sport or enriching professional skill? Now is the time to go after what you truly want and to explore your interests. Find what makes you happy and go for it!

7. Learn How to Let Go and Move On

When we experience heartache or emotional pain, it’s hard to find hope in the future or discover our sense of purpose. Everyone experiences pain; it’s natural and unavoidable. However, it’s how we deal with our pain that sets us apart. One of the best ways to heal from hurtful experiences is to learn lessons from the situation. If we focus on lessons learned, we can shift our focus on growth and momentum. When we get stuck in the past, we can become immobilized and trapped in our painful memories. As life continues on, we must learn how to let go and live our lives in the present moment. If we constantly focus on the past, we can miss the life unfolding in front of our very eyes. So, be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, to forgive, and to heal. Doing so will help you let go of your guilt, shame, anger, and sorrow. Divorce marks an ending, but it also marks a beginning. You can use this as an opportunity to learn, grow, and find inner peace and happiness.

8. Seek Professional Help

If you’re struggling with a painful and emotional divorce, you may benefit from speaking with a professional divorce mediator on Long Island. We have a compassionate and skilled team of attorneys and therapists at New York Divorce Mediation Group, LLC who strive to help families wade through murky waters of divorce.

At New York Divorce Mediation Group, LLC, we offer divorce mediation services as a smarter alternative to costly court proceedings. We provide compassionate guidance to divorcing couples in Long Island and the greater New York metro area. If you and your partner are planning to divorce or have any questions about divorce mediation, please call us at (516) 749-5017 to schedule a consultation.

For many couples going through divorce, their marital residence is their largest asset. This article will explore the options to consider in determining what to do with the house.

Is the House a Marital Asset?

The first thing to ascertain is if the marital residence is a marital asset subject to equitable distribution or division between the parties. If the house was purchased during the marriage, it is a marital asset and both parties will be entitled to a share of its equity. If, on the other hand, one party purchased the house prior to the marriage or inherited it as a gift prior to or during the marriage, the property may be separate. Whether the non-titled spouse is entitled to a share of the equity in the house will depend on several factors. For example, was a mortgage on the house paid for with marital funds? Or, if the parties renovated the house, which increased the value, the non-titled spouse would typically be entitled to 50% of the appreciation. If the house was purchased by one party prior to the marriage, but after the marriage, the other party’s name was placed on the deed, the property may be considered marital based upon the premise that it was the intention of the titled spouse to convert the separate property into marital property. The party that owned the property prior to the marriage will get a separate property credit for the value of the property at the time it was purchased. The benefit of using divorce mediation attorneys as we are in the New York Divorce Mediation Group, is that we can help you determine what would be in your mutual best interests. Alternatively, the benefit of the collaborative process in divorce is that experienced attorneys representing each of you as well as financial professionals will be able to provide you with the guidance you need to make informed decisions.

Sell the House Now

It may make the most financial and emotional sense to sell the house now,  and to share any equity in the house. One of the most important tasks to be completed by divorcing spouses is to figure out what their respective  monthly expenses will be once they are living separately. The largest single expense is typically the mortgage. Can one spouse afford to keep the house while the other spouse is now paying for their own residence? If you have incurred a large amount of credit card or other debt during the marriage, it may make sense to sell the house and use the proceeds of the house to first pay off the debt with the balance being divided between the parties.

The equity will be determined by deducting the current mortgage and/ or Home Equity Line of Credit on the house as well as real estate brokers’ fees and other closing costs from the sales price of the house. The net sales proceeds or equity in the house can then be divided between the spouses.

There are also tax considerations. If there will be a capital gains tax on the profit (“gain”)  from the sale of the house, and the house is jointly owned, a married couple filing a joint tax return can exclude up to $500,000 in gain if they meet certain eligibility criteria set forth in the tax code. If the parties are each using the filing status “married filing separately”, they may each be able to exclude up to $250,000 in gain on their respective returns. Consulting with a neutral financial professional during mediation or having a neutral financial professional who is part of the collaborative team will provide you with advice and guidance on the tax consequences of your decision to sell the house now.

Keeping the House After the Divorce/Buy Out or Sale

If the parties have children, they may decide to keep the house to ease the transition for the children and to provide stability during a difficult time in their lives. The parents may decide to keep the house with one parent residing in the house with the children. The question that comes up is for how many years will they keep the house. Depending on the age of the children, the house may be kept until the youngest child graduates high school or, if the children are very young, the parents may decide to keep the house until a child completes the last grade in a particular school. For the parent who has moved out, the concern may be that they don’t want to remain on the mortgage for too many years and not be able to purchase a home of their own. In either the mediation or the collaborative process, we will discuss what your respective needs and concerns are and what would be in the best interests of the you and the children. 

Once the parties have determined how long they will jointly own the house, they may each want to give either one or both the option to buy out the other party’s share of the equity in the house. The party that wishes to keep the house will either have to refinance the house in their name or assume the existing mortgage, and then pay the other party their share of the equity. Once the refinancing or the assumption of the mortgage has occurred, and the equity, if any, has been paid, the other party will have their name removed from the deed and will have no further financial obligations relating to the house.

Capital gains if one spouse stays in house for many years and then sells. If the parties have divorced, but both remain on the deed and the house is sold after a period of time, the fact that one party has had exclusive occupancy of the house may allow the party who moved out, but is still a co-owner to claim up to the $250,000 exclusion on capital gains. The collaborative team of attorneys and the financial professional will be able to determine if the eligibility criteria will be met with the inclusion of certain language in the agreement, so that the party who moved out may be able to claim the exclusion.

Repairs

One of the issues that needs to be addressed when one party is keeping the house for a period of time is how repairs will be paid. Typically, the cost of cosmetic or discretionary repairs will be borne by the party living in the house. However, if there are necessary or structural repairs, the parties will split the costs in some fashion depending on their respective economic circumstances. If one party can’t afford to pay for the repair now, the other party may pay for the full cost and receive a credit for one-half the cost of repairs at the time of sale.

When It Comes Time to Sell

Prior to putting the house on the market, the parties may need to make repairs or improvements to make the house marketable for sale. Just as with ongoing repairs, the parties will determine how these costs will be shared.

To ensure that the house will be placed on the market for sale at the specified time as set forth in the parties’ separation or divorce agreement, there will be language in the agreement that lays out the process for determining the fair market value of the house. This process may also be used if the parties are not selling and one party is buying out the other party. If the parties can agree on a real estate appraiser/broker, that appraiser/broker will help them set the asking price. But if they can’t agree, or if one party does not want to sell at the agreed upon time and wants to set to set too high a sales price, or conversely, if the party who isn’t living in the house wants to put the house on the market for a quick sale at too low a price, the agreement will set forth a process by which each party will have a licensed appraiser/broker give them their respective opinion and if the parties still do not agree, the two appraisers or brokers will choose a third appraiser/broker to determine the asking price  Once the house is put on the market, there will also be a procedure for setting forth reductions in the price of the house and the intervals at which they will occur, if the parties cannot agree to the amount and timing of price reductions between themselves.

Using the Equity in the House as a Tradeoff for Some Other Asset

Whether you choose the collaborative divorce or divorce mediation process, we will explore what each parties’ desires are and how best to meet their interests. With respect to the house, one party may want to keep it and the other party may prefer to trade off the equity in the house and retain the equivalent value in a retirement plan, a non-retirement brokerage account or some other asset. The divorce financial professional who is either brought into the mediation process or is part of the collaborative team will guide the discussion of the tax implications involved in trading the equity in the house for retirement or non-retirement asset and how to equalize the assets. 

Conclusion

How the marital residence will be handled in a divorce is not only a financial matter, but also has emotional underpinnings. The team of collaborative attorneys, financial professionals and family support specialists will help each spouse articulate their needs, concerns and long terms goals so that they can make informed decisions that will meet their particular interests after divorce. Similarly, you can choose to hire a mediator if you are comfortable negotiating directly with your spouse, and the mediator can recommend a financial professional to explore the financial implications of each option.

Feeling trapped or unfulfilled in your marriage is a truly difficult way to live. Whether you’ve been married for 20 years or 2 years, choosing to get a divorce is never easy. No relationship is perfect, and conflicts are likely to occur even in the happiest of marriages. However, if your marriage has turned into an unfulfilling and unhealthy relationship, it may be time to get a divorce. Here are 9 common signs your marriage may be over.

1. You Don’t Communicate.

Open communication is integral to a healthy marriage. Couples who communicate are able to express their wants, needs, and expectations with one another and learn how to resolve conflict in a respectful way. Lack of communication between partners can lead to misunderstandings and marital distress. 

Without an open line of communication couples will quickly come to resent one another for seemingly small issues. Small disagreements can then become monumental differences of opinion. It may not seem like it, but couples who argue with one another are at least communicating. When couples have decided they no longer want to attempt to communicate to avoid an argument, it may be time to consider getting a divorce. 

2. Your Goals Don’t Include Your Spouse.

You and your partner undoubtedly have individual goals. Everyone does! There’s nothing wrong with each of you having your own personal goals and aspirations. However, if you and your partner are not supportive of each other’s ambitions, your relationship may not be able to go the distance. For a marriage to be successful, you and your partner must be on the same page when it comes to major life decisions. If neither of you are willing to compromise or refuse to be supportive of one another, resentments will arise, and it can destroy your marriage. 

3. You’re Not Yourself.

While it’s important to create a healthy boundary around your marriage, you don’t want to lose sight of yourself. When you lose yourself in a relationship, it can leave you feeling lost, uncertain, and depressed. Being unhappily married can strip you of your personality, especially when you are always walking on eggshells around your spouse. If you’re experiencing a drastic and unhealthy change in your personality, your marriage could be the culprit.

4. You’re No Longer Intimate.

Sex isn’t everything, but intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship. Sex and physical touch help you and your partner bond by releasing oxytocin (“the love hormone”) in your body. Not only does sex promote feelings of love and care, but it also acts as a natural stress reliever.

Every couple has different levels of intimacy, and it’s natural for your sex life to find a more stable rhythm the longer you’re together. But if you are not attracted to your partner, don’t trust your partner in the bedroom, or feel repelled by the idea of being intimate with them, it’s likely you’re in an unhappy marriage.

5. You Don’t Compromise.

For a marriage to work, you must work as a team, and being part of a team requires a little give and take. Compromise allows you and your partner to meet each other’s needs and strike a healthy balance in your life together. Without compromise, you will experience common relationship problems that often lead to a lack of respect for your partner’s opinions or feelings. A marriage cannot last without mutual respect, and compromising requires respect to be successful. 

6. You’re Detached.

If you’re unwilling or unable to share your feelings and problems with your partner, you may be detached from your relationship. Generally, your partner is the person who you confide in, but when you find yourself not wanting to share anything with them, it could be a sign your marriage is over. While becoming detached from one another it may be easy to feel as though you are in a rut and nothing you do could improve your situation.

You may become depressed and your mental and physical health may even take a toll. This mindset, if left unchecked, may mean a lack of motivation to even consider divorce. When either you or your spouse have become indifferent towards each other, you should begin considering your options. For most people, divorce is an emotionally draining process, and it’s for this and many other reasons you should seek the guidance of a mediator.

7. You Don’t Trust Each Other.

Trust is the foundation for any relationship, and it’s considered to be the cornerstone of any healthy, happy marriage. Without it, the marriage will be shaky and will eventually, and inevitably, fail. Lack of trust is one of the main reasons for divorce. Lack of trust is synonymous with lack of security and loyalty. Trust also gives you assurance, can help you overcome obstacles, and resolve conflicts.

When you have built a stable relationship on trust, you will both be free to be your authentic selves. Trust is a fundamental element to any fruitful relationship. Any sort of contract or business relationship requires a degree of trust between the parties involved. Marriage is, of course, a prime example of this. Without trust, it may only be a matter of time before you are faced with the fact that it’s time to get divorced.

8.  You No Longer Care About Fixing the Problem.

Improving your marriage requires two willing participants. Both partners have to be open to digging deep and working on themselves, as well as their relationship. If therapy isn’t working and you and your partner are unwilling to work on improving your relationship, it’s a clear sign of trouble. Once a spouse, or both spouses, give up and are no longer interested or willing to put in the work necessary to save the marriage, divorce is inevitable.

9. You Already Have an Exit Strategy.

Chances are that if you are already experiencing anything in this article, you may already be contemplating an exit strategy. An exit strategy may include financial and familial arrangements, or even researching the divorce process in general. If you are already looking for a way out of your marriage, divorce is a strong possibility.

Making the decision to leave a marriage can be overwhelming, to say the least. When couples choose to get a divorce, there’s often a deep fear of being alone and a fear of an unknown future. Consulting with a mediator can help the lengthy and emotionally-draining process of divorce go much more smoothly. Our mediators at New York Divorce Mediation Group can provide you and your spouse with a non-aggressive, holistic approach to your divorce.  

At New York Divorce Mediation Group, we offer our divorce mediation services as a smarter, holistic alternative to costly divorce court proceedings for couples who are planning to legally separate or divorce.

For a virtual consultation, please call us at (516) 749-5017 or contact us online to schedule a consultation.

Divorce is often considered one of the most stressful events one may ever experience. Even under the best of circumstances, divorce can leave you and your family feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Choosing mediation is a great first step towards making your divorce go as smoothly and quickly as possible. 

Mediation has become a popular alternative to standard legal actions such as arbitration or lawsuits, especially during a divorce. Mediation allows divorcing couples to solve their conflicts in a more constructive, affordable, and friendlier way. 

The Mediation Process in 5 Stages

Divorce mediation is an alternative dispute resolution process. A divorce mediator helps couples identify, understand, discuss, negotiate, and resolves all of the issues that need resolving in your divorce. This can include a parenting plan and time sharing, child support, alimony, division of marital property and debts, and much more. Though divorce mediators cannot give you legal advice or tell you what to do, the mediator’s ultimate goal is to help you reach a settlement agreement you both find fair. 

The mediation process typically includes the following five stages:

1)  Introductory Stage

In this stage, the mediator introduces him or herself to the involved parties and explains how things will work. During this process, the mediator establishes trust between the parties. The mediator is in charge of the divorce mediation process, and everyone’s roles are clearly defined.

2)  Information-Gathering Stage

The information-gathering stage is to help you and your spouse determine how to determine and negotiate a settlement. The mediator will first discuss the general legal rules that may apply to your case, which can include state laws regarding alimony, child support, taxes, and life insurance. 

Your mediator will ask you and your spouse to provide financial documents such as tax returns, bank and mortgage statements, and more to help determine how assets and debts will be divided. The assembly and summary of your and your spouse’s financial information may take more than one session, depending on how much information is still needed.

3)  Framing Stage

In the framing stage, the mediator helps each spouse outline their reasons for wanting certain outcomes in the settlement. These reasons can consist of individual concerns, priorities, goals, and values, often referred to by divorce mediators as “needs and interests.” Identifying these needs and interests helps the mediator and the couple frame the core goal of the mediation. Doing so will help the couple address topics of concern—property and debt division, child custody and support, alimony—so they achieve the fairest settlement possible. 

4)  Negotiating Stage

Once the mediator helps each spouse frame their needs and interests, it’s time to negotiate an acceptable agreement. With the mediator’s guidance, the spouses discuss and evaluate possible options that may work best for both parties. To successfully negotiate an appropriate settlement, both parties must be active, respectful participants who are willing to compromise. The problem-solving aspect of negotiation cannot be emphasized enough here. Each spouse should understand that getting locked into zero-sum bargaining isn’t helpful or productive for any of the parties involved. Ultimately, the settlement should address each party’s most important interests as fully as possible. 

5)  Concluding Stage

During the final stage of the mediation process, the tentative settlement agreement is put into writing and reviewed by each party and their advisors. The mediator will then prepare a memorandum outlining the settlement agreement, which each party will sign, if they agree to the terms. A written settlement will then be filed with the court. 

Advantages of Divorce Mediation

While divorce can be a highly emotional and expensive process, couples who choose divorce mediation are able to end their marriage amicably and respectfully, without breaking the bank. Divorce mediation is an attempt to help couples settle contested issues and reach a final agreement that’s fair for both parties. It’s the mediator’s responsibility to serve both parties equally, encourage open communication and problem solving, and help couples work out the details of their divorce in a more holistic, peaceful way. 

Here are the main benefits of divorce mediation:

Less expensive. Rather than paying for separate lawyers for each party, couples who choose divorce mediation will only work with one mediator—an unbiased third party. 

Faster process. Divorce mediation only takes a few months. With divorce mediation, you have the flexibility to schedule meetings when it’s best for you, instead of waiting on court dates or working around your attorney’s busy schedule. 

Complete control. Through mediation, you and your spouse make all of the decisions instead of leaving the decisions up to a judge. The mediator facilitates discussions, helping you and your spouse reach an agreement on every issue of your divorce. Divorce mediation makes it possible for both parties to win. 

Benefits children. When parents can work together with the guidance of a mediator, it allows them to focus on their children’s needs, as opposed to “winning the case.” A mediator can also help guide them in finding a parenting plan that best suits their child’s needs, so they can successfully co-parent their child even after the divorce.  

Read our post on The Benefits of Divorce Mediation vs. Hiring an Attorney to further explore the benefits of divorce mediation.

How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation

A mediator’s ability to effectively help you greatly relies on how promptly and thoroughly you have prepared. When you’re prepared, your mediator will be able to put more of their time, energy, and resources into guiding you and your spouse toward an equitable resolution. 

To properly ascertain how assets and debts will be divided, the divorce mediators at NYDMG will need a collection of financial documents. Some of these documents include: 

• Federal and State Tax Returns
• Bank and Brokerage Statements
• Retirement Plan Statements 
• Life Insurance Policies 
• Non-Retirement Investments such as Stocks, Bonds, Secured Notes, Mutual Funds
• Property with Significant Value (Jewelry, Antiques, Art, Coin Collections)
• Credit Cards
• Student Loans

How NYDMG Can Help  

Our compassionate team at New York Divorce Mediation Group offers personalized divorce support to best suit you and your family’s specific needs. Divorce is a problem to be solved, not a battle to be won. That’s why we pride ourselves in helping families focus on alternatives to the court system through mediation. Working as a team, we can achieve a successful resolution with the costly court battle. Call us today at (516) 749-5017 to speak with one of our experienced divorce mediation attorneys on Long Island.

Every divorce is unique and is accompanied by a different set of legal, emotional, and financial considerations. Though divorce is considered by many to be a time-consuming, stressful, and costly process, it doesn’t have to be. If you and your spouse desire a more amicable and less expensive approach to your divorce, mediation may be the perfect choice for you and your family’s unique needs. 

Our team at New York Divorce Mediation Group are trained divorce mediator attorneys and clinical social workers, offering you and your family a holistic approach to your divorce. Call us today for a no-obligation, confidential consultation at (516) 749-5017 or contact us online. 

What is Divorce Mediation?

Divorce mediation is a smarter alternative to litigation for resolving disputes between divorcing couples. A divorce mediator serves as a neutral facilitator for the divorcing couple by helping them reach a mutually-agreeable settlement. Mediators help couples negotiate issues regarding the division of property, spousal support, parenting plans, and child support and custody. Each mediator has his own or her own style and preferences for how the mediation takes place, which offers more versatility and flexibility to divorcing couples. 

With mediation both parties get to participate in a way that they would not be able to in a trial. Divorce mediation is also a much less expensive option considering that the alternative of going to trial would mean each party would need to be represented by a different attorney.

Divorce mediation is for couples who want a holistic approach to their case without the stress, cost, or time commitment required of litigation. It’s important to note that divorce mediators do not make legal rulings or decisions. At New York Divorce Mediation Group, we believe that since the majority of cases result in a settlement, doing so by mediation is most often the best option for our clients.   

What Does the Mediation Process Entail? 

The divorce mediation process helps couples identify and resolve issues regarding their separation in a structured and supportive environment. The process can generally be categorized into three stages. 

1. The first stage of the process entails both parties meeting with the mediator in order to discuss, negotiate, and come to an agreement on all topics that need to be addressed. These topics can include all parenting plans, child and/or spousal support, budgets, and dividing assets and liabilities, among others. 
   
2. The second stage is when the mediator takes the agreements reached during the first stage and puts them into writing. These agreements can be in the form of a Memorandum of Understanding or if prepared by an attorney mediator at the New York Divorce Mediation Group a Marital Separation Agreement or Settlement Agreement.
   
3. The third and final stage is categorized by the couple’s decision to finalize the divorce. The required divorce documents are then prepared, signed, and filed with the court.  
   

What is the Difference Between Mediators and Litigation Attorneys?

Divorce mediators and litigation attorneys often occupy different roles. A litigation attorney represents their client’s interests and advises them on the best way to present their case in court. A divorce mediator, however, is an independent, neutral third-party who conducts mediation proceedings. A divorce mediator guides couples toward a mutually-agreeable settlement in a non-adversarial and caring environment. 

Mediators do not offer legal advice, nor do they represent either party, even if the mediator is also an attorney. The goal of the mediator is to encourage the parties to communicate and reach a lasting legal agreement. Essentially, mediation allows you to speak for yourself rather than hiring a litigation attorney to speak for you. 

At New York Divorce Mediation Group, our divorce mediators are also attorneys. Our holistic, comprehensive, and caring approach to each mediation case helps our clients get the guidance they need to successfully move forward.

Why Choose Divorce Mediation vs. Litigation? 

Mediation is a smarter, less stressful alternative to litigation because it offers divorcing couples more privacy, creativity, and faster results. Mediation also allows couples to avoid costly and stressful litigated divorce proceedings, which can sometimes last for several months. 

• Privacy. If you hire an attorney for litigation, your case is rarely private because hearings and court documents are a matter of public record. Mediation proceedings, however, are confidential, keeping you and your spouse’s personal and financial affairs completely private.
  
• Creativity. Mediation allows you to approach your divorce with more creative and flexible solutions than would be available in court. Because judges must follow stringent rules and written laws, the types of solutions they can offer in litigation are often more limited than in the solutions in mediation. Some of the best solutions for divorcing couples may not be available to a judge like they can in mediation.
  
• Faster Results. When you hire an attorney for litigation, there are countless formal procedures they must follow. Not only is this more costly, but it also can take more time. With divorce mediation, you and your spouse can set your own pace for proceedings rather than relying on the court. Additionally, mediators will have more time to handle your case than judges will, which will help you avoid long-lasting delays. Mediation cannot be postponed due to the judge’s availability or lack thereof.
  
• Fewer Costs. Mediation attorneys play a different role than traditional litigation attorneys. Investigation and sharing of evidence, for example, are more informal in mediation, which reduces the complexity and cost of the case. Mediation requires less time and fewer fees than litigation. This is because you are working cooperatively to reach a mutually agreeable resolution with a goal of retaining resources for your family with less fees related to court appearances or lengthy win/lose type litigation negotiations. 

What to Expect During a Mediation Consultation

A mediation consultation is an opportunity to learn about your options for pursuing a non-adversarial divorce. This confidential consultation allows each person to determine and outline their expectations and needs. It also gives you the chance to see how you and your mediator will work together throughout the mediation process. An effective mediator will assist you and your spouse in the following:

• Determining and clarifying each of your specific needs
• Identifying and addressing any obstacles
• Fostering an environment of mutual respect and safety
• Managing expectations about time, cost, and effort
• Offering resources and referrals if needed

During your consultation and following meetings, your mediator will discuss several issues regarding the dissolution of your marriage. Several of the important issues addressed in divorce mediation are:

• Identification and Division of Marital Assets and Debts
• Spousal Support (Maintenance)
• Child Support
• Parenting Arrangements including Custody Issues
• Health Insurance

Because our divorce mediators are attorneys at NY Divorce Mediation Group, after the mediation is completed, one of our mediators will provide the following additional services:

• Prepare your Separation Agreement and/or Settlement Agreement
• Prepare and file your Divorce Papers

If you and your spouse are planning to get a divorce, our team at NY Divorce Mediator Group can help. As Long Island and New York state attorneys, we provide full legal services tailored to your family’s unique needs. Our goal is to help you reach a mutually-satisfactory agreement, so your family can move forward with ease. We will write your separation or divorce agreement and will submit all required legal documents to finalize your divorce. Call us today for a no-obligation, confidential consultation at (516) 749-5017.

The division of property can be one of the most important issues in a divorce, which can make it difficult to resolve without the help of an unbiased third party. If you and your spouse want to avoid litigation costs, you can benefit from divorce mediation for property division. An experienced mediator can guide you through the stress of the property division process and provide you with reasonable resolutions through means of equitable distribution.

What Is Equitable Distribution?

Equitable distribution refers to the division of assets and debts acquired during the marriage. Essentially, the goal of equitable distribution is to divide marital property as fairly as possible. In mediation, couples can discuss and choose how best to allocate their assets and debts based on a variety of factors, including, but not limited to:

• The duration of the marriage
• The income and property of each spouse
• The age, health, and earning capacity of each spouse
• Whether or not spousal support was awarded
• The wishes of both spouses regarding certain assets
• The liquid and non-liquid nature of the property involved

Because each case is unique, these factors may vary from couple to couple. It is also important to note that dividing property “equitably” does not necessarily mean there will be a 50/50 split.

Types of Property

The distribution process is to distinguish if it’s marital or separate, place a value on the property, and distribute it between the spouses. During a marriage, a couple may acquire valuable assets, as well as debt. Property is often categorized into two groups: separate and marital.

Separate property is property that belongs to one spouse, such as property acquired before the marriage or inherited before or during the marriage. In the state of New York, separate property can include any assets that were:

• Acquired by one spouse before the marriage
• Received by one spouse as an inheritance or gift
• Acquired as compensation for a personal injury unrelated to wage loss or earning capacity
• Characterized as such in a prenuptial agreement

Marital property represents property acquired during the marriage, regardless of who holds the title. Marital property can include:

• Physical property purchased prior to the marriage
• Personal items or property such as vehicles, furniture, houses and/or other real estate, or collectable items
• Gifts given for or by a spouse
• Income and purchases made with that income
• Retirement benefits

Liquid & Non-liquid Assets 

Assets are classified as either liquid or non-liquid.

Liquid assets can be easily and quickly converted to cash with little impact to the overall value. An asset that can readily be converted into cash is similar to cash itself because the asset can be sold with little impact on its value. There are a few factors considered when determining when an asset is liquid:

1. It must be in an established market.
2. It must have a large number of interested buyers.
3. Ownership must be easily transferrable. 

Liquid assets are the most basic type of asset, used by consumers and businesses alike, because they are flexible, readily accessible, and relatively easy to obtain.

Here are some examples of liquid assets:

Cash in checking accounts, savings accounts, and money market accounts

• Certificates of deposit (A CD may be liquid, depending on its terms and charges.)
• Life insurance cash value (Cash value can be liquid, but if your policy has a surrender charge early on, it may not be considered a liquid asset for a certain number of years.)
• Annuities (If your policy has a surrender charge early on, an annuity may not be considered a liquid asset for a certain number of years.

Non-liquid assets, on the other hand, can be more difficult to convert into cash or cash value and may come with a significant loss in value. Here are some examples of non-liquid assets:

• Investment real estate (Real estate may take time to sell and requires significant effort to convert into cash.)
• Business interests (These may require finding a buyer with the skill, experience, and capital needed to keep the business running.)
• Funds in annuity contracts that are still in their surrender charge period
• Stocks, bonds, and mutual funds
• Other non-liquid assets could also include tangible items such as personal real estate, jewelry and cars.

While liquid assets can be easily sold for cash and have a stable market price, non-liquid assets cannot be quickly sold for cash.

Valuation of Assets

Determining the value of marital property, also called asset valuation, is crucial for performing equitable distribution. Asset valuation is the process of assigning a value to a specific property, such as stocks, bonds, businesses, real estate, artwork, or jewelry. For some assets, the fair market value will be easy to determine, while others will be more difficult. You and your spouse may then consider consulting a valuation expert for assistance.

The value used will be the fair market value as of the date of separation (DOS). The parties can then divide it based on that value, or they can choose to sell the property and split the proceeds. For example, if the property was recently purchased, the purchase price may be used to determine the value. However, this may not be useful for intangible assets that have greatly appreciated in value.

What About Debt?

Dividing debt goes hand-in-hand with dividing property. Much like a marital home or pension, debt and loans that are gathered throughout the marriage can be considered a joint concern, also known as “marital debt.” If a debt is considered to be “marital” in nature, then it can be allocated between both parties. According to New York law, this can mean that the divorcing couple will be able to choose between settling the responsibility for a debt before they file for divorce in mediation. Spouses can also have “separate” debt, which usually refers to obligations that arose before the marriage. Separate debt would continue to be the sole responsibility of the spouse who initially incurred them.

Settlement Agreements

If you and your spouse can’t agree on issues such as property rights, then you may want to enter into a marital settlement agreement with the help of a mediator. The marital settlement agreement will later be filed with the court and become part of your divorce judgment, also known as a divorce decree. By agreeing on all the terms in advance, you and your spouse can avoid stressful court appearances and misunderstandings. A well-considered, negotiated, and carefully written marital settlement agreement can show the court that you and your spouse have considered all the issues related to your particular situation. This can lead to a faster, less expensive divorce and avoid a trial, which can be very time consuming and costly.

Marital settlement agreements are valid and enforceable contracts. Once a court issues a judgment of divorce that includes a marital settlement agreement, the matter is usually final, and the divorce may not be challenged.

How A Mediator Can Help 

Litigation or settlement negotiations can be very costly and time-consuming. With the guidance of an experienced divorce mediator, you can reach an agreement that is custom-made for your family, your finances, and your future.

Divorce mediation is the preferred choice for families facing divorce because it provides a cost-saving means to reach agreements in a cooperative setting. At the same time, divorce mediation gives couples more control over the process and decision-making. As a result, communication between couples is better so resolutions take less time.  If you should have any further questions regarding equitable distribution in Long Island or the greater New York area, please contact the New York Divorce Mediation Group at (516) 749-5017 to speak with one of our experienced divorce mediation attorneys.

Divorce is often an extremely stressful and difficult time. The breakup of a relationship is a challenging and emotionally draining undertaking. Thankfully, for those seeking divorce on Long Island and in the greater New York metropolitan area there is a much simpler process for obtaining a divorce than going to court.

What is an Uncontested Divorce?

To get a divorce, spouses can choose either: a contested divorce or an uncontested divorce. By definition, a contested divorce is a divorce action which occurs after the parties have hired attorneys and have sought court intervention. In contrast, an uncontested divorce occurs when the spouses are able to reach an agreement on all issues with the guidance of neutral mediators or through the collaborative divorce model. The documents for an uncontested divorce are filed by the attorney/mediator or the collaborative attorney without the parties ever having to go to court. 

Benefits of Uncontested Divorce

While a traditional litigated divorce is typically a stressful and time-consuming, uncontested divorces obtained through the mediation or the collaborative process helps to reduce conflict and stress, saves a considerable amount of money and promotes a better co-parenting working relationship, if there are children involved.

Although you don’t necessarily need a lawyer to complete the process, it is strongly recommended and encouraged to at least contact one in order to avoid errors within legal proceedings. The documents that comprise an uncontested divorce packet are numerous and detailed.  Moreover, a comprehensive written and duly executed agreement addressing the division of the spouse’s marital assets and debts, spousal support, if any, child support and all other issues concerning the children, if any, must accompany the uncontested divorce documents.  The agreement is legally binding and is drafted by attorneys specializing in divorce law.

What Are the Requirements for an Uncontested Divorce?

Legal Grounds For Divorce

In New York, there are several legally appropriate reasons for granting divorce by New York State courts, of which you must satisfy at least one. These include, but are not limited to:

– Cruel and inhuman treatment

– Abandonment

– Confinement to Prison

-Adultery

– Living separate and apart for at least one year under a separation decree of Judgement of Separation,

– Living seaprate and apart at least one year after the execution of a separation agreement

– A no-fault divorce, which is defined as the irretrievable breakdown of the relationship for at least six months.

By far, the two most frequently used grounds for an uncontested divorce are living separately for at least a year after the execution of a separation agreement or the no fault ground for divorce.

Residency Requirement

Moreover, you must meet New York’s residency requirement to obtain a divorce. Those requirements are as follows:

1) You and/or your spouse must live, or have been living in New York State, for a continuous period of at least two years immediately preceding the commencement of your divorce action, or

2) You and/or your spouse must have been living in New York State for a continuous period of at least one year immediately preceding the  start of  your divorce action, and at minimum one of the following must also be true:

a) You were  married  in New York State, or

b) You and your spouse have lived in New York State as married persons.

3) You and/or your spouse must have been living in New York State for a continuous period of at least one year immediately before  the commencement of your divorce action, or

4) You and your spouse must be residents of New York State on the date you start your divorce proceedings, and your legal reasons (grounds) for divorce occurred while you lived in NY must have happened in New York State.

Required Paperwork

To obtain an uncontested divorce in NY, you MUST complete the following papers; these documents can be difficult to do on one’s own, therefore The New York Divorce Mediation Group will prepare these for you. Due to COVID, all documents will be filed electronically. For sake of simplicity and convenience, related documents will be grouped:

• Notice Of Automatic Order, Notice of Guideline Maintenance, and Notice Concerning Continuation Of Health Care Coverage

• Summons with Notice (UD-1), Summons (UD-1a)

• Verified Complaint (UD-2)
• Sworn Statement of Removal of Barriers to Remarriage (UD-4)

• Affidavit of Service (UD-3), Affirmation (Affidavit) of Regularity (UD-5), Affidavit of Plaintiff (UD-6), Affidavit of Defendant (UD-7), Affidavit of Service by Mail of JOD (Form UD-15), Affidavit in Support of Application to Proceed as Poor Person, Affidavit of Service of Proposed Poor Person’s Order

• Annual Income Worksheet (UD-8(1)), Maintenance Guidelines Worksheet (UD-8(2))

• Child Support Worksheet (UD-8(3)), Support Collection Unit Information Sheet (UD-8a), Qualified Medical Child Support Order (UD-8b), 31) IWO Child Support or Combined Child and Spousal Support LDSS-5037, UCS-111 Child Support Summary Form, UCS-111 Child Support Summary Form, LDSS 5143 Application for Child Support Services, Short Form Application for Child Support Services in Supreme Court (may be used instead of LDSS 5143)

• Note of Issue (UD-9), Findings of Fact/Conclusions of Law (UD-10), Judgment of Divorce (UD-11), Part 130 Certification (UD-12), Request for Judicial Intervention (RJI) (UD-13), Notice of Entry (UD-14)

• Addendum for the RJI (UCS-840M), DRL 255 Addendum, DRL 255 Addendum

• Poor Person Order, Postcard Sample, Certificate of Dissolution, Notice of Settlement

• IWO Spousal Support Only Income Withholding Order (LDSS-5038), IWO Numbered Instructions LDSS-5039

• NYS Case Registry Filing Form for use with Non-IV-D orders (except spousal only orders)

The Finalized Divorce

If the parties have previously signed a Separation Agreement, that Agreement may be converted to a divorce on the basis of living under the Separation Agreement for at least a year or on the no fault ground that the parties’ marriage has been irretrievably broken for the previous six months.  At the New York Divorce Mediation Group, we will prepare and file your divorce papers. Once the Judge signs the divorce decree, known as a Judgment of Divorce,  your divorce is final and you will each be sent a certified copy for your records.  .  The entire process from preparing and filing the uncontested divorce papers takes a few months, depending on the county in which you file.  If you should have any further questions about an uncontested divorce, please contact one of our Long Island divorce mediators online today or call 516-749-5017 to schedule a no cost consultation.

One of the most important goals of the Collaborative Divorce model and the mediation model is to help parents co-parent in the best interests of their children and to help them make decisions themselves after careful discussion of numerous issues of importance to them. Parents learn to respect each other as individuals and to attain and maintain the ability to communicate effectively with the mutual goal of providing a safe and nurturing environment for their children. With Collaborative Divorce, parents who have been helped to do so through the support of the members of the Collaborative Team, whether their respective attorneys, Family Support Specialist or Financial Neutral are in a much better position to weather both routine and more unexpected situations that arise in their daily lives. In a mediation process, parents are encouraged to discuss in a calm and supportive environment what they each feel is best for the children and to consider each other’s perspectives. 

The unexpected and sudden current Covid-19 crisis has upended the day to day lives of most families, especially those going through divorce or separation. Children are no longer attending day care or school out of the home; babysitters are often not available; either or both parents may now be working from their respective homes, or are still working as an essential worker who may be at risk for infection or suddenly have a new schedule; either or both parents may have a reduced income or no income due to a layoff related to the economic consequences of the pandemic or the closure of a business. How parents deal with any of these factors can have enormous, potentially lifelong, emotional consequences for the children and also for themselves. 

Unfortunately, recent stories are emerging of parents who likely have not been involved in a collaborative process who are refusing to allow the other parent to have parenting time with the children due to the pandemic even when the other parent has isolated at home and has observed all recommended health and safety protocols. It has been our experience that unlike those situations, parents who accomplished their separation or divorce through the Collaborative Model or the mediation process have been able to quickly adjust parenting time and schedules to account for the changes that have recently occurred related to Covid-19. These parents are also able to discuss effectively new issues that have arisen involving how to “be on the same page” about such topics as social distancing rules; social media guidelines for their children; flexible day to day parenting schedules; use of technology for connectivity and support; calming children’s fears; seeking medical or psychological support when needed; adjusting financial support issues and so on to accommodate the crisis. Parents also have the ability to look to their Collaborative team for support during this time, working together to effectively problem solve and not to heighten tensions, but rather to calm them. Virtual sessions can be scheduled to discuss the new issues and any conflicts can be resolved quickly outside of the court system. At a time when the court system is not readily available, the Collaborative Model and the mediation process, which are premised on avoiding the court process, are especially designed to handle all of the important needs that must be met and decisions that need to be made in a quick time frame. 

Numerous studies show that how parents who separate or divorce behave toward one another and interact with respect to the children who they love will have an enormous impact on how the children grow and develop. Handling divorce during covid and the current economic crisis is even more challenging, which is why the choice of a collaborative process, whether collaborative divorce or divorce mediation for those in need is now, more than ever, one of the most important choices a family can make.  

When parents go through a separation or divorce, one of the biggest challenges is learning how to manage parenting after divorce. Different parenting styles, emotional stress, and lifestyle changes can create tension—not just between parents, but also for children adjusting to a new reality.

At the New York Divorce Mediation Group, our Long Island divorce mediators have worked with countless families facing these struggles. Through divorce mediation in New York, we help parents navigate differences, improve communication, and focus on what matters most: the well-being of their children.

Common Differences in Parenting Styles After Divorce

Every parent has their own way of raising children. These differences often become more visible during parenting after separation.

• Cultural influences: Parents may come from different backgrounds and traditions.
• Upbringing: Each parent’s family history affects how they approach discipline, affection, or responsibility.
• Personality and values: A “stricter” parent may focus on structure and discipline, while another may lean toward a more relaxed, fun style.

In mediation, these differences can be discussed openly. For example, one parent may feel burdened by always enforcing rules, while the other feels guilty for being more permissive. Mediation helps balance these perspectives, fostering cooperation rather than conflict.

The Impact of Parenting Styles on Children

The way parents handle co-parenting after divorce has lasting effects on children’s emotional health.

• Children may feel confused when rules differ drastically between households.
• They may struggle with loyalty conflicts or pressure to “choose sides.”
• Emotional challenges such as anxiety or depression can arise when conflict remains unresolved.

Research shows that children whose parents maintain cooperative co-parenting arrangements experience better emotional stability than those exposed to ongoing disputes. Mediation creates a safe, structured environment where both parents can address concerns and agree on consistent parenting strategies.

How Divorce Mediation Supports Families

Choosing mediation instead of litigation offers significant divorce mediation benefits for parents and children:

1. Improved Communication

Mediation encourages respectful dialogue. Parents can voice concerns without fear of judgment, while trained mediators help keep discussions child-focused.

2. Reduced Conflict

Unlike litigation, which often feels adversarial, mediation promotes cooperation. Parents work toward solutions that prioritize their children’s best interests.

3. Financial and Practical Guidance

Mediators also address financial concerns—such as child-related expenses or budgeting—so that one parent doesn’t feel overburdened.

4. Personalized Parenting Plans

Every family is unique. Mediation allows parents to create customized parenting plans for weekdays, weekends, holidays, and vacations, all tailored to their children’s needs.

Whether you’re in Suffolk County, Nassau County, or working with a divorce mediator in NYC, the goal remains the same: building a healthier foundation for co-parenting.

Co-Parenting Challenges and Solutions

Even with the best intentions, co-parenting isn’t always easy. Some common challenges include:

• Inconsistent rules: Different bedtimes, curfews, or expectations between homes.
• Communication barriers: Struggling to discuss sensitive topics without conflict.
• Financial disagreements: One parent feeling pressured to say “no” while the other appears more lenient.

Mediation helps parents create strategies to avoid these pitfalls, such as agreeing on core household rules and maintaining open communication through shared calendars or parenting apps.

Supporting Children of Different Ages

Children of various ages respond to divorce differently:

• Younger children may not fully understand what’s happening and need reassurance.
• Teens may struggle with divided loyalties or resentment.
• Young adults may face pressure to mediate between parents.

By working with experienced mediators—some of whom have mental health expertise—families receive support tailored to their children’s developmental stage.

Conclusion: Building a Positive Future Through Mediation

Parenting after divorce is never simple, but with compassion, communication, and the right support, families can create a stable, nurturing environment for children.

At the New York Divorce Mediation Group, we believe mediation offers parents a healthier alternative to courtroom battles. Whether you’re seeking a divorce mediator on Long Island, or exploring divorce mediation in NYC, we’re here to help you move forward with peace, clarity, and a stronger co-parenting foundation.

With the best interests of your children in mind, at New York Divorce Mediation Group we often bring the opportunity and benefits of Co-parenting into the divorce mediation conversation. When any family breaks apart there will be changes in every family member’s daily life. Adults are better emotionally equipped to deal with the day-to-day changes this separation brings about. Children, especially young children, need more help. Co-parenting enables the children of a dissolving marriage to experience a more stable life than in a typical court ordered child custody arrangement.

In fact co-parenting during divorce is the exact opposite of a typical court-ordered child custody arrangement where one parent is exclusively responsible for the children and the other becomes an occasional visitor. This “shared parenting” agreement allows the children to continue to receive regular time, attention and love from both parents.

How to Co-Parent When Going Through a Divorce

Making this co-parenting joint custody agreement work is not always easy. The parents challenge in this arrangement is to keep their personal feeling of anger, hurt and distrust at bay and put the focus on the welfare of the children. Doing so ensures that the children’s needs are met and that they are able to retain close personal relationships with both parents regularly.
For co-parenting to work when going through a divorce, open communication between both parents is essential. Both parents need to be of a similar mind regarding the care and upbringing of the children when in either parent’s allocated time together. Respecting the other parent’s wishes regarding the children’s welfare when the children are in one parent’s care is paramount for co-parenting to work.

For example, if a mother’s concern is healthy eating, it would violate the co-parenting spirit of the agreement if the father continually fed the children fast food and soda when they are in his household. If the co-parenting agreement calls for a set bedtime for the children, both parents must respect this decision when the children are in the household. This brings the consistency to the children’s life that co-parenting affords.

Those couples in mediation are emotionally ideally positioned for a co-parenting arrangement as they are predisposed to a more amicable divorce. Co-parenting during divorce eases the life changing situation for the most vulnerable in the family – the children.

At New York Divorce Mediation Group we have a trained psychotherapist who works with families in transition as part of the mediation process. We are trained to help guide you through the process and ease your separation thereby lessening one of the key concerns of divorcing couples at any stage in their married life – how to best deal with the children’s needs.

Call us today to schedule your free consultation.